So I was skimming Novices & Newbies and somebody asked about jealousy as a newbie to the scene. They seemed to be operating from the assumption that it was inevitable that they and their partner would play with other people and wanted to know how to deal with jealousy around that.

Here’s the thing: you do not have to play with other people. You really, truly don’t. You do not have to grit your teeth and tolerate your partner playing with other people either.

Now, to be clear, play does not necessarily involve sex – you can play without even touching anyone’s butt, and that’s a very common targer for impact play. That still doesn’t mean you have to be okay with your partner playing with other people. It is absolutely okay to want, look for, and insist on a partner who does not every play in any capacity with anyone but you

It is pretty common to play with people who aren’t your partner, I’m not going to lie. Even more so if you meet someone who enjoys going to play parties and to be honest you’ll meet a lot of people who enjoy play parties at munches. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean you have to. Hell, you don’t have to play in public at all, with your romantic partner or anyone else.

Sadly, if you’re submissive you’re not unlikely to run into the kind of douchebag who will tell you that you aren’t allowed to play with other people (or that you have to play with their friends) and that you’re a bad sub if you’re unhappy that they play and/or have sex with other people. People like that are douchebags and you should find a partner who isn’t a total douchebag. To be fair, unfairness is a dynamic that really does it for some people (see what I did there ;), but that in no ways means you are in no way obligated to put up with shit that doesn’t make you happy.

Someone being a dom doesn’t mean they get to dictate the terms of your relationship, you are always allowed to say “fuck this shit” and walk away. There is someone out there who is actually compatible with you, hold out for them. Yes, even if you’re a submissive man. Honestly dominant women are so fucking easy to impress – if you can fucking spell, you are basically golden. Dominant men aren’t exactly rare either, you can find one who will treat you like a human being even though you’re submissive. Having a say in how your relationship works is simply not that much to ask.

While I’m at it, jealousy is not fundamentally a bad thing. Emotions are just signals, they aren’t good or bad in and of themselves. They may mean you need to change something, they may mean you need to do some work on yourself, they may mean that your partner needs to admit they want to date somebody else and stop jerking you around, but it’s not fundamentally bad to feel a feeling.

If you even want to play with other people and have your partner do the same but you feel jealous, then you may have some work ahead of you. But don’t forget you never ever have to play with other people or have a partner who plays with other people if you don’t fucking want to.