Over and over I see submissive men say things like “a sub’s only purpose is to obey his dom”, and “my feelings don’t matter as long as my dom is happy”, “if I had a dom I’d do exactly as she said, no matter what”, “she’s the dom, it’s her right to do whatever she wants”.
No! Stop that! If I wanted a robot, I’d fucking build one. I want submission that’s about me, not about your own self-loathing. Nobody with any sense of self-worth truly believes their feelings don’t matter as long as someone else if happy. I understand making sacrifices for people you care about, but choosing to put someone else’s happiness first sometimes is very different from going through life believing your feelings don’t matter at all.
Not only is that unhealthy, it’s also useless. There’s a reason the safety announcements they do on airplanes always say to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else put theirs on – you can’t help anyone else if you don’t have anything to give. I’d much prefer a man who takes care of himself so he can give me his best to someone who ignores his own needs until he collapses. Or more likely, until his simmering resentment finally boils over. You can only kid yourself that you don’t have needs for so long. I’d really rather have a sub who will tell me when problems come up and give me a chance to fix them than one who will stuff it down and stuff it down until one day he explodes, we have a screaming fight, and he never speaks to me again.
I want the opportunity to do something nice for my sub. Romantic relationship or not, either way I still want it to be an exchange, not a one-sided drain on the sub. I want to feel needed, not spend my time wondering why this guy puts up with me and when he’s going to wise up and ditch me. Until I finally develop psychic powers, I can only do that if my sub opens up to me and lets me know what would make him happy.
Even if I found someone deluded enough to believe that I have the right to take from him without giving anything back, actually doing that would still make me a complete and utter douchebag. If I did that I wouldn’t be able to respect myself, and why on earth would you want to submit to someone who knows she’s doing the wrong thing and does it anyway?
For that matter, why on earth would I want to dominate a complete doormat? Giving orders to someone who will obey them as mindlessly as a robot isn’t any more exciting than ordering a pizza. Well, maybe it’s a little bit more exciting if your local pizza place is terrible and they always screw up your order.
Finally, acting like there’s a submission olympics you can win by being the subbliest of them all is just sad and stupid. There’s no magical kink council that’s going to award you a dom of your very own for getting into enough internet pissing matches about who’s more submissive. People who say they have no needs are either lying or deluded, and neither one of those things is attractive. Not to mention, you’re helping scare off nice, thoughtful submissive guys by making it look like this ridiculous performance of self-loathing is just the way you do male submission. For fuck’s sake, cut that shit out.
Guys, anyone who tells you that your only purpose is to please her, that your feelings don’t matter, and that she has the right to behave however she likes no matter how much that hurts you, is a complete asshole. Run! There will be other doms.