You don’t have to play with other people!

So I was skimming Novices & Newbies and somebody asked about jealousy as a newbie to the scene. They seemed to be operating from the assumption that it was inevitable that they and their partner would play with other people and wanted to know how to deal with jealousy around that.

Here’s the thing: you do not have to play with other people. You really, truly don’t. You do not have to grit your teeth and tolerate your partner playing with other people either.

Now, to be clear, play does not necessarily involve sex – you can play without even touching anyone’s butt, and that’s a very common targer for impact play. That still doesn’t mean you have to be okay with your partner playing with other people. It is absolutely okay to want, look for, and insist on a partner who does not every play in any capacity with anyone but you

It is pretty common to play with people who aren’t your partner, I’m not going to lie. Even more so if you meet someone who enjoys going to play parties and to be honest you’ll meet a lot of people who enjoy play parties at munches. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean you have to. Hell, you don’t have to play in public at all, with your romantic partner or anyone else.

Sadly, if you’re submissive you’re not unlikely to run into the kind of douchebag who will tell you that you aren’t allowed to play with other people (or that you have to play with their friends) and that you’re a bad sub if you’re unhappy that they play and/or have sex with other people. People like that are douchebags and you should find a partner who isn’t a total douchebag. To be fair, unfairness is a dynamic that really does it for some people (see what I did there ;), but that in no ways means you are in no way obligated to put up with shit that doesn’t make you happy.

Someone being a dom doesn’t mean they get to dictate the terms of your relationship, you are always allowed to say “fuck this shit” and walk away. There is someone out there who is actually compatible with you, hold out for them. Yes, even if you’re a submissive man. Honestly dominant women are so fucking easy to impress – if you can fucking spell, you are basically golden. Dominant men aren’t exactly rare either, you can find one who will treat you like a human being even though you’re submissive. Having a say in how your relationship works is simply not that much to ask.

While I’m at it, jealousy is not fundamentally a bad thing. Emotions are just signals, they aren’t good or bad in and of themselves. They may mean you need to change something, they may mean you need to do some work on yourself, they may mean that your partner needs to admit they want to date somebody else and stop jerking you around, but it’s not fundamentally bad to feel a feeling.

If you even want to play with other people and have your partner do the same but you feel jealous, then you may have some work ahead of you. But don’t forget you never ever have to play with other people or have a partner who plays with other people if you don’t fucking want to.

Why the lack of interest in online play?

It seems pretty common for dominant women not to have any interest in online play. Obviously I can’t speak for all women (and oh how I hate it when men ask questions as if women are a hive mind and one of us can speak for all of us), but here’s my take on it.

First of all, by online play I’m talking about playing on cam where one person gives instructions and the other one carries them out and sexy chat, where the people playing describe what they would do to each other and how they would react.

For me play is about personal connection, so my biggest stumbling block with online play is that it always seems to be strangers asking for it. Dude, if you want someone to watch you jerk off on cam, you should talk to a sex worker. I’d rather play video games or frankly do literally anything other than watch some random jerk off and pretend to care. If I’m looking for porn Archive of Our Own has me covered, thanks. Quick disclaimer here: I’m not saying all fanfiction is porn, I’m saying that there is some delightfully filthy fanfic out there and it’s way more fun than watching somebody do stuff he wanted to do anyway but expects you to pretend you ordered him to.

But even if I did have a personal connection with someone who wanted to play online, there’s still the problem that play is fundamentally physical for me. There’s something incredibly satisfying about giving someone a good flogging and I just can’t get that feeling by telling someone to hit themselves. I also really love hitting someone when or where they’re not expecting it and watching them yelp and squirm. It’s pretty hard to surprise people when you’re telling them what to do, and unless the person I’m playing with has a really good microphone I’m going to miss out on a lot of the little pain noises I love so much. While I’m complaining about tech, the video quality of most webcams/internet connections is not all that either. If I’m going to watch someone do things to themselves I wanna see, dammit.

There is an argument to be made that playing on cam is personalized porn, and that’s maybe not a terrible argument but it just doesn’t work for me. If we don’t have some sort of relationship already, then I don’t care to watch you on cam unless you’re smoking hot and have a really good camera setup so I can actually see what’s going on. Note that I wouldn’t expect some random stranger who I have no relationship with to want to watch me on cam either.

I also think I’m just too much of a control freak to really get into online play. If I’m going to play with someone, I want to hit them where I mean to, when I mean to, as hard as I mean to. With someone I trusted to follow orders that could maybe work, but not with some random stranger. It’s just not fun for me to hope the person I’m playing with will do what I told them to do and not, say, tap themselves with a cane and then move on to their favourite kink or nag me relentlessly until I “order” them to do the thing they really wanted to do (or more likely end the video call and block them).

TL;DR I feel both bored and used when people expect me to pretend I’m dominating them while they do what they wanted to do anyway. I imagine plenty of other women feel the same.

 

How do you meet people without going to a munch?

I recently read the most amazing trainwreck of a rant about how people who want to meet people in person at a munch are the absolute worst and are actively screwing over people who don’t want to go to munches, and it made me think, is there actually any advice out there about meeting other kinky people that doesn’t begin and end with “thou shalt go to a munch!”?

First of all, many people have very good reasons not to go to munches. I have some doubts that the author of that rant seriously can’t go to munches, but the thing is, they’re allowed to not want to. You are 100% allowed to to be physically/emotionally/financially able to go to a munch and still just not fucking want to.

That said, complaining about how hard it is to meet people when you’ve decided not to do something that’s really effective (turns out physically leaving your house and meeting people is a good way to, you know, meet people) is super fucking boring, so don’t do it. Actually, complaining about how you’ve been looking for ten whole minutes and still don’t have the perfect hot dominant girlfriend is boring in general, don’t do that even if you do go to in-person events.

On to the actual advice! I have a couple of posts about communicating with people on Fetlife in general, you should probably read those:

How to make friends on Fetlife for the hard of thinking

How to get responses on Fetlife

How to Fetlife

Those posts mostly cover how to not fuck it up once you’ve found someone you want to talk with, but they don’t go into much detail about how to find those people.

Something you’re going to need to figure out up front is whether you want to meet people in person or not. It’s totally okay to want an online only relationship, just be aware that a lot of kinky people aren’t interested in online-only and it may take longer to find someone. Then again, when physical location isn’t an issue you definitely have a larger pool of potential friends/play partners/partners. Online-only isn’t my thing, so I really have no idea how much of a hassle it is to find someone to be your online sub or dom.

If you want to meet someone in person, you’re (shockingly enough) going to want to focus on local groups. If there’s a personal ads group for your city, definitely join that. Even if you don’t want to post a personal ad right away or at all, you should keep an eye on that group in case somebody awesome posts an ad. Note: on Fetlife it’s really easy to mix up personals groups for cities or regions with the same name. We get poor confused Australians in the Victoria BC Personals group on the regular, so double check that you’re in the right group before posting or risk feeling very silly.

I also recommend joining local groups (see my post about how to Fetlife for exactly how to do that) to participate in or read discussions and see what’s going on in your community (if you’re potentially willing to go to an event that isn’t a munch, that is). My local groups don’t seem to have a ton of activity outside of reminders that an event is happening and post-event thank you threads, if yours are the same way that doesn’t mean you can’t try starting a discussion.

If you aren’t attached to meeting anyone in person or are actively looking for an online-only relationship, there are groups for that on Fetlife too. I also recommend joining interest based discussion groups, you can “meet” a lot of interesting people that way.

No matter what kind of relationship you’re looking for, if you’re looking online you need to have a good profile. If you’re a submissive man, Ferns happens to have written a whole book on the subject. Full disclosure: I haven’t read it myself but it’s Ferns, it’s obviously going to be good. There’s also a Profile Advice group on Fetlife if you’d like direct feedback on your profile, and there are undoubtedly tons of people offering profile advice on the internets. Google is your friend here.

You’re also going to want to be able to write coherently if you want to meet people online. Having something interesting to say is more important than having perfect spelling and grammar, but that’s not a free pass not to try. Sending someone a message full of misspellings and/or typos is like showing up to meet someone for coffee in raggedy old sweats with bedhead, it’s just not going to go well. You don’t have to be a great writer or anything, you just need to be able to express yourself. Participating in discussions is a great way to practice that, by the way 😉

Yet another reason to participate in discussions on Fetlife is that your latest activity shows up on your profile. If someone I don’t already know messages me, I practically always look at their profile just to see what’s there. If they’re a guy and their latest activity feed is nothing but “loves” on pictures of mostly-naked women or crass comments on those pictures about where they’d like to put their dicks, that makes me much more likely to decide they’re the kind of douchebag I want nothing to do with. It’s even worse if they haven’t filled in their profile either. Guys, if you have time to click “love” on fifty photos, you have time to fill in your fucking profile.

Something to be prepared for if you want to meet people in person is that it’s extremely common to want to meet at a munch both for safety and for convenience, so if you don’t want to go to the munch you’re likely to need to be able to explain that in a way that doesn’t make you sound like an abusive dirtbag who was kicked out of the local kink group for being an abusive dirtbag. Refusing to meet at a munch is often seen as a red flag, but you can mitigate it by suggesting an alternative public place to meet and explaining why munches aren’t for you. Be aware that some people will meet you at a munch or not at all. That’s their right, whining about it will only make you look like a douchebag who they were right not to stay in contact with.

Speaking of meeting up, do not ask people to meet you in private unless you want them to think you’re a serial killer. It’s totally fine to ask to meet in a park or public square or anywhere else you don’t have to directly interact with too many people if social anxiety is an issue for you, but nothing says “probably a serial killer!” like asking someone to come to a stranger’s house alone.

Readers, what did I miss? I bet there’s something 🙂

 

Yes, you are kinky enough

It makes me sad to see people online wondering if they’re a good enough dom/sub/top/bottom/etc because they don’t want to perv as hard as they can as often as they can. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with going hard, it’s just not the only choice.

Not all doms want to micromanage their subs.

Not all doms want everything done for them.

Not all doms want complete control of everything.

Not all doms want to play really hard (sensual domination, it’s a thing).

Not all doms want to play every chance they get.

Not all doms like giving orders for the sake of giving orders.

Not all doms like high-protocol d/s.

You are a perfectly good top/dom/master/etc if you just want a light-hearted scene now and then and for your bottom/sub/slave/etc to do nice things for you sometimes. You really and truly do not have to play really hard every weekend and have strict rules for your sub about eye contact and using the furniture and slave positions or whatever to be a “real” dom.

The exact same thing goes for subs too.

Not all subs want to be micromanaged.

Not all subs want to do huge amounts of service.

Not all subs want to give up control of absolutely everything.

Not all subs want to play every chance they get.

Not all subs want to be ordered around for the sake of being ordered around.

Not all subs like high-protocol d/s.

I think things are easier for low-key doms because at least we can tell people it’s not service unless the master wants it where low-key s-types are a lot more vulnerable to jerks telling them they aren’t real subs if they don’t ____. If you’re a low-key sub you have just as much right as a low-key dom not to do things that don’t work for you and to hold out for a compatible partner.

It is absolutely 100% okay for you as a sub to ask a potential dom how things would work in her ideal relationship and to tell her that isn’t going to work for you but you wish her luck finding her ideal sub. Telling someone up front that you aren’t compatible is not rude or entitled, it’s an act of service that could save her weeks if not months of feeling like there’s something wrong with her because she nothing she does makes you happy.

In general I see this idea in kinky circles that more intense is always better and it’s just not true. More intense is better for people who like more intensity, but not everyone actually wants that even if they think they’re supposed to. The myth that more intense is always better goes especially poorly with the myth that there are dozens of male subs for every dominant woman, together those myths put huge pressure on submissive guys to lie to themselves and to their partners about how much d/s they’re actually interested in.

You are kinky enough the way you are, readers. If somebody says or implies you aren’t kinky enough that’s their problem, not yours.

Repost: shoutout to everyone who has a tough tme with mother’s day

This post was originally posted last year, but when I wanted to do another one this year it turned out this one already said everything I wanted to say so I just reposted it.


Supposedly Mother’s Day is a wonderful happy day when loving families get together to celebrate the mothers in their families. It doesn’t pan out that way for all of us.

If your mother died and Mother’s Day is an agonizing reminder, I see you. If you are trying to become a mother but feel like a failure because your body isn’t cooperating, I see you. If god forbid your child died I see you. If you’re read as a woman but don’t identify as one and feel dysphoric or erased on Mother’s Day, I see you. If you’re a trans woman who wishes she could give birth one day, I see you. If you are a mother but don’t know where your child is or if they’re safe, I see you (and don’t judge you, it’s impossible to love a mental illness or addiction away). If you have a hard time with Mother’s Day for any reason, I see you.

Most of all, if your mother doesn’t love you, I see you. If ignorant jerks are appalled that you aren’t going to call or visit your mother, I see you. If you do visit and hate it, I see you. If self-centered assclowns won’t drop the fucking subject when you try to talk about something else, I see you. If you feel like an unlovable monster, I see you.

For me, the worst part of Mother’s Day is the assumption that all mothers love their children and that everyone is delighted to celebrate with their mothers. It’s technically not impossible that my mother loved me in the “I feel a feeling!” (that post is mostly about romantic love but the basic idea of “I feel a feeling!” love versus the real love of actions that make a person feel loved still applies) sense, but who really gives a shit when I spent my entire childhood wondering if this was the day she’d start hitting me too. That’s not love.

My life is better without that woman in it, but dates like her birthday and Mother’s Day still kinda suck for me. I’ve been estranged from her for a long time and I’m largely over it, but the Mother’s Day barrage makes me feel like everyone’s mother loves them except mine. The societal programming that says you have to do certain things on those days is also a real pain in the ass to root out even when you know that you can’t have contact with your mother and be happy.

Try to take care of yourself. You have this random internet asshole’s official permission to hide in your home all day and not interact with the outside world if that helps (either the permission or the hiding). It’s okay to have a rough time, it’s okay to excuse yourself, it’s okay to change the subject, and it is definitely okay to give people an extended icy glare and/or extremely blunt statement that you don’t want to talk about it if they decide to be prying assholes.

You are not alone. You are not weird. You are not broken (heads up, that link includes a story from someone whose mother loved her before she died young). You are not unlovable. Your mother not loving you is not about you and never has been, it’s about her.

Finally, here’s how to not be an asshole to people who have a hard time with Mother’s Day for any reason:

  • Stop fucking assuming everyone loves Mother’s Day.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone has a mother. Sometimes people die tragically young.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone’s mother loved them.
  • Don’t directly ask what someone did for Mother’s Day unless you know they have a good relationship with their mother/kids. Just ask how their weekend was, they’ll tell you about what they did for Mother’s Day if they damn well feel like it.
  • If you do ask someone what they did for Mother’s Day and they change the subject, for fuck’s sake let it stay changed. Don’t be a pushy asshole.
  • If you find out someone is estranged from their mother, do not ask why unless you are very, very close. There is no happy answer to that question, you prying fuck.

If you have a mother who loves you and are looking forward to Mother’s Day, that’s great and I’m genuinely happy for you. Just don’t be an asshole to people who aren’t as lucky are you are. If you aren’t one of the lucky ones, I hope this post gives you something to hang on to – that’s why I’m publishing it early.

Moderation note: I had to turn on moderation for all comments because my spam filter has been having issues lately so comments may be slow to appear. This should go without saying, but if you decide to be an asshole in the comments for this of all posts, you will be permanently banned. Do not tell me or anyone else that their mother loved them when she clearly fucking didn’t.

What I’m playing lately

Who doesn’t like talking about videogames? Lately I’ve been playing Rusty Lake’s Cube Escape series, which is a bunch of point and click room escape games you can play right in your browser, assuming you have flash enabled, or on iOS or Android if you’d rather play on your phone or tablet. They’re kind of weird and morbid, which is a big part of why I like them so much. I also feel like the people who made them must really love making those games because there’s just nothing in there that says they were designed by committee to appeal to the greatest number of 18-35 year old men possible. I hope the studio makes money because I’d love for them to keep making those games, but the games are just so niche that I worry about them. Then again the internet is full of weirdos so maybe they’re doing fine 🙂

Another point and click puzzle game I really like is Cat in Japan. This one is neither weird nor morbid, you just find sushi for the cat and it’s completely adorable. Bontegames has made a lot of puzzle games, but Cat in Japan and Christmas Cat are my favourites. Another adorable detail is that while most of the games are just made by Bart Bonte, some of them are collaborations with his kids.

On mobile, I have a terrible obsession with Tap Tap Fish (formerly known as Abyssrium). It’s an idle clicker with a virtual aquarium, which sounds boring but there’s just something so relaxing about watching my little fish swim around. If you really want to get every last fish, Sir Tap Tap (no relation, as far as I can tell 🙂 ) has an incredibly comprehensive guide.

If that’s too much action for you there’s also Viridi, a virtual plant pot where you grow succulents. I’m just going to quote their Play store description: “Viridi is a safe haven, a place you can return to for a moment of peace and quiet whenever, and wherever you need it.” If you play it I’ll warn you now to make sure you check on your plants every few days or they’ll get all withered and sad and you’ll feel like a total asshole for failing them. Er, not that I get way to attached to virtual plants or anything.

Take your “women have it easier” and fuck off

You know what’s funny? I just wrote half a blog post and realized I’ve actually already written another version of it when I went looking for a link. The first version of this post is “Women can get laid any time they want” and the quote I was looking for was:

Virtually all heterosexual men are reliably orgasmic from penile-vaginal intercourse, while only about a quarter to a third of women are. Another third of women are sometimes orgasmic from penetration, and the remaining third of women are never or almost never orgasmic from penile-vaginal penetration. These results have been replicated over and over, in the lab and by self-report.

That’s from Emily Nagoski‘s post about orgasm differences, and I think it does a pretty good job of explaining why casual sex is a waste of time for so many women. Why fucking bother (pun totally intended) if you’re not even going to get an orgasm out of it?

But that’s not the only reason I am so heartily sick of hearing from whiny manchildren than women have it easier when it comes to dating. Are you afraid of getting drugged and raped if you meet a stranger for dinner? Are you painfully aware at all times that if someone decides to sexually assault, stalk, abuse, or otherwise terrorize you, they will almost certainly experience no meaningful consequences? Are you afraid to even turn someone down because you know they might assault or murder you for rejecting them? No? Then shut your fucking hole, fuckface.

You know why it’s easier to get a man to fuck a stranger than to get a woman to do the same thing? Because by comparison, the man experiences practically no risk. If he goes home with a woman and she asks for something he doesn’t want to do, he can very likely say no without worrying that she’ll physically force him to. If he sees that woman later, he doesn’t have to worry that she’ll point out the filthy slut to her friends and talk about him like he’s a piece of meat. Oh, and he’ll definitely get to have an orgasm, which is kind of the point of a one night stand.

While we’re at it, can we stop fucking pretending that men will fuck anything with tits? It’s actually tremendously insulting to men to keep saying that they’ll fuck literally anyone who is a) not obviously disfigured and b) showered that day. Men are people and as such, have preferences. Talking about how you and any other man would fuck anyone is just so much macho posturing. At this point I’m not sure who you think you’re kidding.

And no, you would not actually fuck the hypothetical woman in a room with n guys who says “Who wants to fuck?” Unless you were already very drunk, you would worry that anyone who did something so extremely unusual for a woman was mentally ill, had an STI (because nothing gets men laid like judging the shit out of women who are willing to have casual sex), or both. And if you were being really honest with yourself, you would feel weird about being nothing but a piece of meat to someone who was willing to fuck literally anyone. Okay if you’re here reading my blog that might well be your fantasy, but there’s still a difference between role-playing being used with someone who cares about you and will cuddle you afterward, and actually being used by someone who doesn’t give two shits about you.

While I’m at it, I don’t want to hear any fucking whining about how expensive it is to take women out on dates, either. It’s not my fault if you’re not creative enough to think of anything that’s both fun and inexpensive and you’re too lazy to google “inexpensive dates in [your city].” Also, the wage gap is still a thing (don’t cry about that in the comments, I’ll just ban you permanently), which sharply limits my sympathy. I’d be happy to pay for dates if I made at least dollar for every 79 cents you made (the stats are even worse if you’re not an able-bodied cis white woman) and got promotions and raises at the same rate you did.

Which is a very long winded way to say I’m not planning on publishing any more comments about how women have it so easy when it comes to dating and couldn’t possibly understand the misery men go through. You want my harddrive space and my bandwidth? Fucking be more interesting.

What do you bring to the table?

I’ve been thinking about the advice to talk about what you bring to the table in a relationship in your profile and there seems to be a lot of confusion about what that actually means. It does not mean that you have to, say, learn how to repair stuff around the house or give manicures or clean gutters or make a really great lasagne in order to make up for your terrible submissive urges. It does not mean that being submissive isn’t inherently valuable. It doesn’t mean that dominant women don’t actually like submissive men and have to be bribed to put up with them (unless you’re one of those assholes who think dominant women exist to make your boner happy. If you’re one of those then you really do need to bribe us to put up with you). It just means that there has to be some reason for people to want to spend time with you. You enjoy spending time with your friends for a reason, right?

Sure, some people feel stuck in friendships with people who have nothing to offer out of pity and/or not wanting to be “mean” by admitting they don’t actually like that person, but most of us spend time with our friends because they’re funny, or have interesting hobbies, or go on adventures with us, or have interests in common with us, or are supportive when we’re having a bad day, or are fun to chat about nothing with, or are nice to us, or just understand us when we talk about our lives.

So if you wouldn’t be friends with someone you didn’t like, would you date someone you didn’t like? No? Then it shouldn’t be a surprise that nobody else wants to date someone who has nothing to offer them, especially when they could just binge watch House of Cards instead.

Another part of it is simply that you must be this tall to ride the ride. That is, you have to be a grownup if you want to have a grownup relationship. A really great way to signal that you’re a grownup is that you have interests and hobbies and are good at something and can generally manage your own life. If you’re not good at anything, either you have such crushing self esteem problems that you’re not ready for a relationship, or you’re not really a grownup. People want to have relationships with their equals, not with sad dependent children who can’t do anything on their own.

And no, d/s relationships are not that different. No matter how much a dom enjoys giving orders or even micromanaging, that doesn’t mean they want someone who is incapable of running their own life. The fun part is when someone who is perfectly capable of running their own life chooses to let you run it for them. If they’re incapable and need a parent, that’s not only no fun, but it’s not sustainable either. No one, no matter how much they love giving orders, can do it all day every day forever. Sooner or later everyone gets sick or gets crushingly busy at work or needs to help a sick friend or family member or just needs a fucking break. If you really can’t suck it up and help when things are tough, then your relationship is going to fall apart the first time your dom experiences any stress. Is that really what you want?

“What do you bring to the table?” isn’t about a businesslike negotiation where you offer to take your partner to the movies twice a month and give them a great foot massage and they offer home made kahlua and regular floggings and you shake on it and start dating, it’s about what makes you more fun than another night at home with Netflix and takeout. Talking about what you bring to the table in a relationship shows potential partners that you understand they’re people with their own lives who need more a reason to date you than you wanting a partner.

You want to make a connection? Give people something to connect with!

You can visit fantasy land but don’t try to move there

As you might have noticed from earlier rants on the subject, it irritates the shit out of me when people decide they are so special that reality doesn’t apply to them. Today’s particular irritation: people who believe that they can give up the right to end their relationship.

I want to be as clear as possible here: if you honestly believe that you can give up the right to leave your dom, you are delusional. I’m also sincerely scared for your safety because the kind of dom who would say “Oh absolutely, you don’t have the right to dump me no matter how unhappy you are” is bad fucking news.

I’m not saying that’s not a fun fantasy or that nobody is allowed to role play things that would be super fucked up in real life (honestly, isn’t that the point of role play?), I’m saying that it’s really fucking important to be clear on the difference between role play and real life. Somebody who isn’t clear on the difference is simply not safe to play with. If you believe something as ridiculous as being able to give up the right to leave a relationship, I and everyone else with the slightest scrap of common sense starts worrying about what other stupid bullshit you believe.

Seriously, that’s scary as fuck. If you’ve turned away from reality so hard that you believe it’s possible to give up the right to end a relationship, well great, now I’ve got to check on literally everything else you believe that could possibly be relevant to kink because if I can’t trust you to tell me that you’re not having fun anymore, I’m not going to play with you. If you might believe that nerve damage only happens if you’re not submissive enough so you don’t need to tell me your hands have gone numb, I’m not going to play with you. I’m not going to try to have a good scene with someone so out of touch with reality that they might believe a Real Dom ™ will magically know what they want. Someone who is so invested in their fantasy that they actually believe that it’s possible to give up the right to end a relationship, undoubtedly believes other ridiculous bullshit about whether s-types are allowed to have needs, or wants, or likes or dislikes or other responsibilities that override whatever wildly bizarre promises they made to their dom.

I want to be clear here, I do not mean to pick on people with actual mental health problems. Having a mental health problem or a mental health crisis or a break with reality does not mean you’re a bad person or that nobody should ever play with you. You probably shouldn’t play too hard when you’re in the middle of a manic episode and you shouldn’t take what someone says about themselves in the middle of a depressive episode as gospel, but that doesn’t mean that an illness that’s flaring up right now is never going to settle down again.

The people I mean to pick on here are the ones who do not have an actual problem, but have chosen to stick the fingers in their ears and yell “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” and generally turn their backs on reality. Those people are a danger to themselves and others and need to knock that shit off.

We hear all the time about how subs have to be careful choosing their doms. Newsflash: as a dom you have to be careful about choosing your sub too. If you play with someone flying that big of a red flag and things go poorly, am I supposed to feel bad for you? As the dom it is literally your job to think things through (not saying s-types shouldn’t think shit through either, I just have very strong feelings about my responsibilities as a dom), you need to get your shit together if you’re going to dominate anyone.

Everybody does have a slightly different definition of what bottom/submissive/slave and top/dom/master all mean but that’s mostly hammering out details. Figuring out those details is a lot easier when you start from a shared, stable idea of what’s real and what’s not. If you don’t have that basis to start from, well technically I could negotiate very very carefully with someone who deliberately turned their back on reality, and then renegotiate very very carefully every time we played and check in all the time because I’m worried about what ridiculous bullshit they’ve decided is true this week, but you know, I could also just not.

I could just play with someone who isn’t a walking red flag and feel confident that what they tell me before during and after our scene will still be true tomorrow and next week and next month. That’s so much easier than trying to work around a total lack of trust in someone who has decided they don’t want to pay attention to the difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy is great, but I’m just not playing with anyone who won’t take a break from it now and then to talk like fucking grownups.

If you want to make terrible choices in life I can’t stop you, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Dating profile tips for dominant women

Another one from the search terms, thank you random person for giving me an interesting post topic to run with 🙂

Most of my profile advice is aimed at men because frankly they can be pretty fucking terrible about thinking with their dicks instead of even vaguely considering what a dominant woman might want to know about them. But you know, I actually do have some tips for dominant women so why not even things up a little?

First of all, spend a little time thinking about what you want out of having a profile in the first place. If men tend to think only about their dicks when they fill in their profiles, I think women tend to think way too much about how they’re “supposed” to present themselves on a kink site like Fetlife. You really and truly don’t have to put anything on your profile that you don’t fucking want to. You do not have to make yourself out to be the domliest dom who ever dommed to get anyone to show an interest in you. You also don’t have to tone yourself down if you do want intensity. There are definitely plenty of wrong ways to write a profile, but clearly expressing who you are is not one of them.

If you’re strictly on Fetlife (or whatever other site) to participate in discussions, there’s no reason you need to fill in your profile besides enjoying expressing yourself that way. On the other hand, if you want to enjoy some fantasy chat with people or meet anyone in person for play or for a more involved relationship, you’re going to want something on your profile that tells people why they should message you.

A lot of people seem to think that having a profile on a kink site means you have to make your avatar obviously kinky and/or sexually explicit. You really, really do not, and if you’re looking for a long term partner, you will probably have better luck if you choose a picture that says something about who you are beyond “Hi! I’ve got tits!”

You do not have to prove you’re “kinky enough” by getting out every last piece of your fetish wear (for that matter, you absolutely do not have to own a single piece of fetish wear) for your profile pictures. If you live in t-shirts and jeans like me, it is completely fine to have a picture of yourself in a t-shirt and jeans on your profile. Of course, if you want a relationship where you and your partner get dressed up in beautiful formalwear to go to dinner and the opera, maybe don’t have a t-shirt and jeans pic as your avatar 🙂

As for the non-picture parts of your profile, do not try to sound like a fantasy unless you want people to treat you like a fantasy. You would think that would be obvious but I’ve seen more than one thread by a woman who didn’t understand why she got so many timewasters in her inbox when there was an obvious connection between the image she presented in her profile and the kind of person who was interested in the image she was presenting. The more your profile sounds like the set up for an erotic novel, the more one-handed typists you’re going to hear from and the fewer awesome submissive men who just want a dominant girlfriend and some kinky play now and then you’ll hear from. Sadly, submissive men get targeted by scammers a lot, so if you want to hear from submissive men who aren’t idiots you need to avoid looking and sounding scammy.

If you make money selling erotic stories, phone sex, or actual in-person sessions, by all means sound like a fantasy 🙂 If you’re looking for a partner, on the other hand, you’ll get farther with a simple description of what kind of relationship you want, what you have to offer, and what you’re looking for in a partner. I’ve had pretty good luck with very blunt and down to earth profiles that say next to nothing about my kinks. I try to be upfront about the fact that I’m a sadist and that I’m not super interested in painless play, but beyond that I’m pretty flexible and more importantly, totally uninterested in hearing about what makes strange men’s dicks happy.

You’re going to hear from a certain number of idiots who are typing one-handed no matter what you do, I personally think trying to convince them not to message me is a waste of time. Just block them, make fun of them in Return to Sender, and move on with your day. To be fair, I have heard from other people that the angry notes in large red letters saying stuff like “Do not message me if you are a man, I am not interested in men” do reduce the number of messages from idiots, I just don’t like devoting that much space on my profile to barely literate assclowns.

In general, I think a profile should be a simple explanation of who you are as a person. If you’re interested in some kinky play now and then, just say that. If you’re looking for a serious long term romantic relationship, just say that. If you’re interested in an online-only relationship, just say that.

Not all of your profile has to be for other people. I added a list of my hard limits to my profile a while ago, not because I expect any of the idiots out there to actually read it and not message me, but because I like feeling justified when I block people for bothering me even though we’re obviously completely incompatible. Hey, I gave those sad bastards a fair warning 🙂

Of course, all of that advice assumes you’re writing a profile on a kink site like Fetlife and can be completely upfront about what you’re looking for. If you’re writing a dating profile on a site like OkCupid and want to be a little more subtle, I would use phrases like “looking for a man who can follow my lead,” “looking for someone who doesn’t think he has to be in charge all the time just because he’s the guy,” or “control freaks need not apply” to describe what you’re looking for and phrases like “I have a strong personality,” “I like to get my way,” or maybe “I’ve been told I’m bossy before.” Take that last bit with a larger than usual grain of salt, though. I’ve never written a “vanilla” personal ad trying to attract subs and don’t actually know what would work.

Readers, do you have any profile advice specifically for dominant women?