It’s okay not to have fun

So I keep talking about how the only important thing in a scene is that everyone has a good time, and I feel like I should expand on that because what I really mean is that it’s only important that everyone feels satisfied with the scene. Sometimes people want an ordeal scene they don’t necessarily “enjoy”, or an emotional catharsis that isn’t exactly “fun.” Some people enjoy going to really dark places with their kink, and some people feel more submissive when their dom does something they don’t like at all (ex: non-masochist sub taking pain for a sadist).

As long as your scene sucks in a way you’re prepared for and were expecting, good on you. The important thing is you get something out of – you should only feel used in a good way 🙂

It’s kind of counter intuitive, especially if you’re new to the idea, but it’s totally possible to feel deeply satisfied by a scene that you sincerely didn’t like in the moment. Take our theoretical non-masochistic sub whose dom is a sadist, he might be really proud of his ability to take pain for his dom even though he doesn’t enjoy pain or particularly want the endorphin rush that comes from it. I really love playing with people who enjoy pain and are delighted to go there with me, but there’s also something extraordinarily sweet about people who say “I don’t like this thing, but I’ll do it to make you happy.”

To complicate things, people may be satisfied by scenes they didn’t necessarily “enjoy” for many different reasons. Some people straight up enjoy sensations commonly called pain and other people enjoy the endorphin rush, other people enjoy pushing their own limits, other people feel triumphant when they get through a really hard scene, others use pain to get themselves out of their heads and into their bodies, etc, etc. Hell, sometimes people just want to try stuff out and see if they like it. I believe it was Carolyn who said that she defines a masochist as anyone who can use pain to get where they want to go, and I really like that definition. It does mean you need to talk more about what you mean when you say you’re a masochist, but hey, more communication is generally a good thing anyway.

Basically, in case you cared, you have the official Stabbity stamp of approval to have scenes that satisfy you but that you wouldn’t necessarily describe as fun 🙂

You’re not the boss of me!

Or, more stupid dom tricks.

Something I find spectacularly irritating is when doms think they can give orders to their subs about how to treat totally unrelated people who most certainly did not consent to being a part of their scene. For example, telling your sub he isn’t allowed to look you in the eye unless he asks permission is fine. Telling him he isn’t allowed to look any other women in the eye is douchebaggery. I’m not part of your scene and I don’t care about your eye-contact restrictions.

Even worse is when doms tell their subs what to call other women. If you like being called Ma’am or Mistress or whatever, good for you. I hate being called anything but my name by people I haven’t agreed to use a title with.

I know most guys who say their Mistress told them to do that are lying douchebags, but let’s not pretend doms never pull stupid bullshit to make themselves feel important. Another one of my least favourite stupid dom tricks is telling other people they have to ask permission before talking to their sub. You do you, but I’m not going to talk to either one of you if you pull that shit. By all means tell your own submissive, who you presumably have some kind of agreement with, to ask your permission before talking with people but leave me out of it. I am not your submissive and I don’t take orders from you.

Sometimes people do get weird, porny ideas about how subs ought to behave to everyone and how their behaviour reflects on their dom, so I’m not necessarily saying that you’re definitely an asshole if you give your sub orders about how to treat people who aren’t a part of your relationship, but I am saying that if you think about it for a couple of minutes, it’s very very likely a dick move. By all means tell your sub to be polite to everyone or to always act in a way that would make you proud of their poise and manners, just don’t fucking involve me in your scene.

Unless you’re at the sort of high-protocol party where people actually do care whether your submissive properly follows rigid protocols, I promise you nobody gives a shit how your submissive behaves as long as they’re not an asshole. Nobody who’s not a total douchebag is going to think you’re a bad dom if your sub doesn’t call every woman he meets Mistress.

Granted, I would judge someone for having a sub who was a total asshole, but that’s more of a “wow, you have terrible taste” problem than a “how dare you not train your sub properly!” problem.

To be fair, porn/erotica about worlds where how well you’ve trained your sub really does reflect on you is pretty hot, but come on. Leave the porn at home and pretend you live in the real world. If you want to do that kind of group role play, just look for other people who enjoy that. It’s not the very most common kink but it’s not exactly unheard of either, there really are other people out there you can play with. I hear there are entire high protocol conventions, maybe go to one of those.

“Real” doms are allowed to need reassurance

Or, yet another one of Stabbity’s pet peeves.

For fuck’s sake, doms are people. Peeeeeeeople. We have insecurities and flaws and bad days and need a little reassurance sometimes JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. It would be great if I could just magically not care about someone’s opinion unless I personally respected them. That would honestly be awesome, but it’s just not how life works.

If you ever need reassurance or to have your feelings validated or just a cup of [soothing beverage of your choice] and someone to make sympathetic noises, YOU ARE STILL A REAL DOM. Being a dom does not, has never, and will never mean that you magically lose the natural human need to be reassured once in a while. It is normal to feel shitty or uncertain sometimes and honestly, it takes a braver person to admit that and ask for help than it does to hide it. Doms are allowed to need comfort!

Once more for the people in the back: DOMS ARE ALLOWED TO NEED COMFORT. You are allowed to ask people to stroke your hair and tell you that the thing happening to you sucks even if you’re a dom.

While I’m at it, it’s smarter to ask for help when you’re having trouble with something (do as I say and not as I do and all that) than it is to muddle through on your own. Your problems are not unique, somebody else has been through similar things and even if their advice isn’t right for you, they can at least offer you something to think about. And you know, if you’re wondering if you’re the only one dealing with a problem, other people probably are too. Speaking up helps all of you, so consider it a public service if that’s what helps you ask for help 🙂

Why would you fumble around alone when someone else might have a solution that works great for you? Is being the perfect domly dom supposed to be more important to me than getting shit done? I’ve worked with people who stumble around doing things the hard way when they could have just asked for advice and it’s incredibly fucking irritating. You don’t look smarter or more resourceful when you refuse to ask for help, you look like a douchebag who thinks their pride is more important than solving a problem. As the dom, isn’t it your job to set a good example? Wouldn’t you want your sub to ask for advice when they didn’t know what to do?

If anyone ever tells you a real dom would never ask for reassurance, tell them to go fuck themselves. I have nothing but contempt for the idea that being a dom means I don’t also get to be a person.

Things new submissive men should probably know, part ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha

More things new submissive men should probably know! This time, let’s talk about limits. Your limits are normal! Nobody will be surprised or freaked out by your limits, nobody will immediately stop speaking to you because of your limits (unless they’re a total jerk you wouldn’t want to keep talking to anyway). Your limits do not mean you are destined to die alone.

The most common limits I see submissive men get very very worried about are chastity, financial domination, forced feminization, and never being treated like a partner, not just a kinky plaything.

Chastity is not even slightly unusual as a limit. It is not even a tiny bit weird to not like chastity. My theory is that because new submissive men haven’t yet learned to recognize bullshit when they see it, they get the idea from porn and liars (I’m all for writing fiction and talking about your desires, but if you don’t make it clear that’s what you’re doing then you’re a liar) that chastity is a much more common kink among dominant women that it actually is, and that they take it much father than they actually do.

In every discussion I’ve ever seen about chastity, the vast majority of women who commented either didn’t care for chastity at all, were only interested if their partner was interested, or were interested in much milder forms of chastity than the guys who were worried about never getting to orgasm again were thinking of. It’s not that there are no women who enjoy long term chastity, but they aren’t nearly as common as worried submissive guys seem to think. Guys, women just don’t care anywhere near as much about your dicks as you wish we did 🙂

Also, “chastity” is not just one thing, it’s pretty broad spectrum of activities. Extreme long term chastity is on that spectrum, but so is playfully teasing your boyfriend for an evening before having passionate sex that night. So is telling your partner to ask permission before he masturbates and frequently granting it. Giving a woman control over your orgasms doesn’t mean you’ll never have one again, just that she’s in charge of when, where, and how often. Don’t forget that you’re allowed to negotiate. No kink is all or nothing, you’re allowed to try things out just for a little while and decide whether or not you like them.

Financial domination isn’t a remotely unusual limit either. And it should be at least a soft limit, it would be incredibly foolish to give someone you just met access to your bank account. Like chastity, there are many different things that can all be called financial domination depending on how you define it. There’s the frankly scammy looking combination of humiliation and financial domination where doms tell submissive men that they aren’t worthy of their attention and are only good for emptying their wallets, but there are also total power exchange relationships where the dom makes all the decisions, financial and otherwise, relationships where the dom and sub agree to play only with amounts of money the sub can afford to lose, relationships where partners role play but would never even consider financially ruining the sub, etc, etc.

The probably-scammers out there looking for “pay pigs” are pretty obvious and therefore easy to avoid, so let’s talk about being afraid to give up control of your finances in a long term relationship with your dom. Having control of your own money is a pretty basic part of being an adult, of course it’s scary to think about giving that up. And unlike letting someone else decide how you dress or where you go for dinner, losing control of your finances can permanently harm you. Of course, a simple rope bondage scene can cause permanent nerve damage too, so it’s not as if financial domination is the only risky thing we perverts do.

Because giving someone total control over your money is so legitimately dangerous, no reasonable person would ask you to do that without spending literal years building trust. Talking about eventually wanting to have a total power exchange relationship that includes control of both partners’ money is very different from actually doing that when you’re both ready. Not to mention total power exchange is far, far from everyone’s kink. I, for example, can in no way be bothered to run my partner’s life – I expect him to stay on top of that so I don’t have to worry about it. I’m far from the only dom who doesn’t even want that level of responsibility, people who are interested in total power exchange are definitely the minority. In short, don’t worry that your potential dom wants your paycheque, she probably doesn’t care 🙂

Forced feminization/sissification/whatever is another kink that people seem to think is much more common than it actually is. Some women do enjoy their subs making themselves pretty for them, and a few somehow seem to be able to deal with the cognitive dissonance of using the clothes they wear every day to humiliate their sub, but like with chastity, most of us either don’t particularly care or are only interested if our partner is into it. Mod note: if I wanted to keep trying to convince misogynists that misogyny exists, I would have left comments on my forced feminization post open. Spare me the whining about how your kink is totally not misogynist because it makes you feel funny in your pants, I’ll just ban your dumb ass. This post is about reassuring submissive men that their limits are not weird and will not lead to them dying alone, at least try to stay on topic.

Anyway, not wanting to wear feminine clothing or act like a sissy is not weird and not a deal breaker for the vast majority of doms. Honestly, guys who don’t want that are a refreshing change. It’s not weird to dislike such a polarizing kink, anyone who acts like it is is a jerk you don’t want to deal with anyway.

Finally, wanting to have a balance of kinky funtimes and have a loving girlfriend who snuggles with you on the couch and brings you soup when you’re sick is totally normal. Guys, you’ve gotta set down the porn and talk to actual dominant women 🙂 Check out forums like submissive men and women who love them and you’ll see that the vast majority of dominant women want a kinky boyfriend who they can cuddle with on the couch and who will bring them soup when they’re sick instead of freaking out that a dom ever has an off day and who they can get their kink on with. If you want to act like a reasonable human being, not some sort of kink-obsessed robot, great! That’s what most women want too and can only help your chances of finding a compatible dom.

TL;DR your limits are normal and having limits, particularly totally normal ones, will not cause every dom you meet to pass you up in favour of some sad dormat who says (lies!) he doesn’t have any limits.

While I’m at it, I think the reason submissive men get so worried that having limits will scare off potential doms is because of that stupid fucking myth that there are 10+ submissive men for every dominant woman. Guys, people who say that there are approximately a fuckton of submissive men for every dominant woman are calling this miserable waste of space a submissive man. If you’ve bothered to read this post, you can definitely trip over that bar so stop worrying about how few dominant women there supposedly are 🙂

Readers, are there any other common limits you’ve seen people worry about that are actually total non-issues?

I went to a women-only play party and it was awesome!

Like it says on the tin, I went to a women-only play party and I had a fantastic time. I’ve blogged before about how much I resent feeling like my job as a woman (at a party or otherwise) is to be decorative, so it was fucking amazing being at a party where I didn’t have to worry about that at all.

I’m not sure how much of it had to do with not having any men at the party and how much was just the way the organizers ran it, but it was an incredibly relaxed party. Keep in mind that I’m an introvert, feeling relaxed at a party isn’t exactly my natural state 🙂 It was so nice just to hang out with a bunch of other women. I didn’t feel like I was on display or like anyone gave even a fraction of a shit about whether my outfit was hot enough. I can’t even explain how great it was to know that it wasn’t that everyone was too nice to comment on whether I was doing a good job of being decorative, but that nobody cared. At all. It was a complete non-issue.

Another thing that was an absolutely delightful non-issue was women playing with women. I’ve done that in front of men before and I’ll most likely do it again, but I’m always aware that a) as a woman topping, it’s not unlikely that some douchebag in the audience is just itching to tell me I’m doing it wrong, and b) as a woman playing with another woman, some douchebag in the audience (quite possibly the same one) probably thinks we’re doing that purely to make him feel funny in his pants. It’s irritating as fuck to have the weight of other people’s idiotic assumptions on me, and it was really nice to go to a party where I didn’t have to deal with that.

I also had a really lovely scene with a friend where I hit her with different stuff for science 🙂 Or more precisely so she could figure out what she liked since she hadn’t gotten to bottom very much before. There’s nothing not fun about watching people go from “I’m not sure, can you do it again?” to “yes, more please!” Hitting people with things is really relaxing for me in a way I can’t fully explain, too.

As a bit of an aside, since I’m not sure I’ve talked about this before, I enjoy playing with women even though I’m straight. Not all kink is about sex, and my bottom’s gender doesn’t seem to matter in terms of having fun in a scene. What matters to me is that we like each other and they give me fun reactions. I think I’d feel more comfortable playing really hard with a man because I do have some societal hangups about seriously beating on people who are smaller than I am – I’m not exceptionally tall for a woman but I do loom over a lot of other women – but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with women.

If you’re a woman I highly recommend going to a women-only party – just check and make sure the organizers know trans women are women because you don’t want to party with assholes. The one I went to was one of the only parties I’ve felt like a first class citizen at and I think everyone should have a chance to experience that.

It’s okay to be different

So I’ve been thinking about Orlando a lot this past week. I didn’t say anything about it last week because I just felt so helpless. I mean, I’m Canadian, it’s not as if US politicians are going to care if I call them up and say “for fuck’s sake fix your fucking gun control laws.” Besides, if those laws were going to get fixed, it would have happened after Sandy Hook.

Easy access to guns is only one of the problems, anyway. I believe the root causes of Orlando were a horrible mix of homophobia, toxic masculinity, racism, and possibly transphobia/transmisogyny. Let’s not forget that the murderer attacked Pulse on Latin night. I don’t know if that was intentional or coincidental, but either way it was devastating to the Latin community. All of these people, all of their hopes and dreams, all of the good they could have done in the world, are gone because some asshole with a gun hated gay people.

I can’t do shit about another country’s gun laws, but here’s what we can all do: tell people it’s okay to be different. Tell yourself it’s okay to be different too. Who does it harm to let gay people, bisexual people, pansexual people, queer people and everyone else who isn’t exclusively straight be who they are? Harming people is what makes someone a bad person, not being gay. Your sexual orientation has all the moral weight of your food preferences: none whatsoever. Being gay isn’t just morally neutral, it’s morally irrelevant. It simply has nothing to do with whether you’re a good person.

Whether you’re gay, trans, non-binary, a furry, a leather fetishist, a pervert in general or completely uninterested in kink, you are okay. If you have sex with strangers, with your friends, with multiple partners, with just one partner, or no one at all, you are okay. If you are asexual, grey-a, demisexual, you are okay. If you are mentally ill, just a little odd, neurodivergent, especially sensitive, socially awkward, you are okay. If you are a total dork, if you go hard when you love a game, a book, a movie, a tv show, if you never want to leave your workshop or your art studio, you are okay.

You are not bad or wrong because you’re different.

Here’s something else we can do: tell men it’s okay to have feelings. Raise boys to know it’s okay to have feelings. It’s not a coincidence that nearly all mass shootings are perpetrated by men. Something is terribly wrong with the way we as a society tell men they have to be and what we tell them the consequences of failing to measure up are. Men die of depression because admitting that you’re having a hard time and you need help is considered “unmanly.” Men hate themselves for being sensitive or nurturing or noncompetitive or god forbid, submissive because those things are seen as “unmanly”.

Guys, it’s okay to not be a robot. It’s okay to tell society to go fuck itself. You have the right to have feelings and be vulnerable. People who tell you otherwise are assholes who aren’t worth your time.

One last thing: fellow straight people, this blood is on our hands. Gay people did not teach the murderer that being gay is punishable by death. That was us. When you see homophobia, call that shit out.

You are not interchangeable

I’ve been seeing a lot of submissive men down on themselves lately and it makes me so sad when submissive men don’t realize how great they are. You are not a dime a dozen and you are not interchangeable!

The men who are interchangeable are the ones who call themselves submissive but think women exist to make their boners happy. Those guys are boring as shit. Men who actually care about their doms and want to make them happy are amazing. You can never be boring when you bring your whole self to the relationship, pay attention to your dom and put effort into making her happy.

Even if you actually do care about women, there are just so many terrible stereotypes out there it’s no wonder submissive men’s confidence takes a hit. How much porn have we all seen where the dom is bored or contemptuous of the sub? How often are men told that a real man is never vulnerable, never hands control to someone else, never has feelings or wants to be wanted? When you see stuff like that all day every day, of course you start thinking that dominant women don’t actually like submissive men, or that if there is a dom out there who actually likes submissive men, you’ll never meet her.

Guys, awesome submissive men who are actually compatible with an individual dom are rare and precious! Just being compatible on vanilla levels like values, life goals, how you manage money, etc is hard enough, finding someone who is also interested in the same kinks, the same sort of power exchange, the same amount of protocol is fucking miraculous. Non-kinky people search for the right partner for years and we all know that’s normal, so why would we think it would be easier to find the right kinky partner when kink makes things so much more complicated? You are not a failure or unlovable if you don’t find the right dom instantly, some people look for decades.

Using myself as an example, I’m a very low key, low protocol, anticipatory service kind of dom. The most perfect high protocol sub in the world would be terrible for me, protocol just doesn’t do it for me. The most obedient sub who waited for orders the most patiently would be terrible for me, I hate giving orders. The most amazing 24/7 “here, take control of literally everything” sub/slave/whatever label they like would be terrible for me, I just don’t want that level of responsibility for someone. People who fit me on a kinky level and who I get along with on a vanilla level are very rare and obviously precious because of it.

And they’re hot like burning too 🙂 Submissive men definitely do not get appreciated enough for how hot they are. In my case, I have trouble putting how much I like submissive men into words. To use a really terrible (and dorky) metaphor, it’s like trying to explain why I like avocados so much. I like avocados because they’re delicious and I like submissive men because they’re awesome. I mean, people who like making me happy? And like being all helpless and biteable? And make great noises when I hit them with stuff? What’s not awesome about all of that?

Submissive men are awesome and anyone who thinks otherwise can fuck right off.

Buy “Yes, Roya” right fucking now

“Yes, Roya” is an erotic graphic novel written by C. Spike Trotman and drawn by Emilee Denich. It’s fucking amazing and you need to buy it right now. To give you some idea what it’s about, here’s the summary from the Iron Circus store:

Wylie Kogan is an aspiring artist, stumping for work in 1963 California. When a fawning fan letter grants him access to his cartoonist hero, the wealthy and celebrated Joseph Ahlstrom, he’s quick to take advantage of a proffered portfolio review . . . but winds up learning more than he ever wanted to about Joe when he stumbles across some of his idol’s illicit fetish art.

His hasty, ill-considered theft of a drawing triggers a series of events he never planned on . . . most of which involve Joseph’s imposing and resolute partner, Roya.

Now let’s talk about my ridiculous and fawning love for it.

OH MY FUCK SOMEONE WROTE A DOMINANT WOMAN WHO FUCKS LIKE SHE HAS NERVE ENDINGS IN HER VAGINA.

You might have gathered from the allcaps that I’m a little bit excited about that 🙂 Obviously not everyone who has a vagina enjoys penetration, and some people who like it okay like other things more, etc, etc, which is no way makes it not absolutely fucking amazing to see a dominant woman depicted as a) liking sex, and b) not appearing any less dominant because of it. The idea that dominant women are only allowed to fuck in certain ways and certain positions or they’ll magically stop being dominant irritates the shit out me. They’re my nerve endings and I’ll stimulate them how I like, asshole. If you think refusing to follow your idiotic orders makes me less dominant, you’re just too stupid to talk to.

When I read “Yes, Roya” I felt seen and more than that, celebrated. Somebody actually created a character who enjoys sex the way I do and thought “yes, this is so hot that I’ll make money by publishing it.” It’s amazing to see something like that in a sea of terrible bullshit where dominant women only exist as props and have no desires of their own.

Also fantastic: she has interests besides dominating people! Considering “Yes, Roya” is an erotic graphic novel I couldn’t have complained too much if there was only enough characterization to set up the smutty parts, but all the characters have interests and goals beyond getting their perv on. Roya and her partners just plain like each other too, which is really lovely to see. It makes me so happy to see a dominant woman character who gets to be a person as well as a dom.

Yes, Roya combines a really cute story with smoking hot porn. Buy it, you’ll love it!

Jealousy is useful

I keep reading about how ever feeling jealousy means you’re terrible and unevolved and real poly people never feel jealous and it’s really starting to bug me.

Jealousy, like any other emotion, is just a signal. It’s not bad or good on its own, it’s how you react to it that matters. I mean, anger is supposedly “bad” and “negative” all the time, but it’s also fuel for fighting injustice and a signal that something going on is not okay. Sometimes that signal means that you need to learn to chill the fuck out and sometimes it means that someone is being an asshole to you.

Same with jealousy. Sometimes it means that you need a little extra reassurance from your partner. Sometimes it means you have some serious work to do on yourself. Sometimes it means you need to have a serious talk with your partner about how their actions affect you. And sometimes it means your partner is an asshole.

None of those things are signals you want to ignore! Even if you just need a little extra reassurance, you need to ask for that before that unmet need kills your relationship. Sure, it sounds little, but the little stuff matters. Grand gestures can be exciting and all, but what really matters is how you treat your partner day to day. If you feel unappreciated, that feeling isn’t going to magically go away because you think people who ever feel jealous are bad. It’s going to snowball if you don’t change things, even just a little.

Of course, sometimes jealousy takes more to fix than asking your partner to tell you you’re pretty. If you can’t stand for your partner to have any friends of the gender(s) they’re attracted to (not sure what bi or pan people are supposed to do), for example, there’s absolutely nothing your partner can do to fix that. You need to do some very serious work on yourself if you ever want to be happy. I don’t expect the people who need to do that to listen to me, but in case any of their partners are reading: it’s not you. You cannot love your partner’s insecurity away. They are the only one who can fix that, all you can do in that situation is decide what kind of treatment is okay with you and what means you need to leave.

However, just because sometimes jealousy is sometimes more about you and your own insecurities more than about your partner’s actions doesn’t mean it’s never about their actions. Sometimes jealousy is totally justified, sometimes it really is them. It would be nice if people’s partners were never assholes, but sometimes they really, really are. Read an advice column (I particularly like Captain Awkward), and see how often people ask how they can stop being such jealous assholes when their partners are out late with flimsy excuses and weird charges show up on their credit card bills or when their partner is openly neglecting them or putting them last in favour of a new hobby/friend/job/whatever.

Having feelings about your partner treating you badly doesn’t magically mean you’re wrong. It’s normal to feel angry when someone hurts you and it’s normal to feel jealous when your partner doesn’t make you a priority. In cases like that, jealousy is a sign that you still have some self-esteem, not some sort of personality flaw.

I don’t see “not feeling jealous” as a worthwhile goal at all. Feeling secure is a worthwhile goal, rarely feeling jealous is just a side-effect of that. Communicating well with your partner so you solve problems before they become a big deal is a worthwhile goal, and rarely feeling jealous is just a side-effect of that.  Go for the real goals, don’t mistake the side-effect for what you really want to accomplish.

And for fuck’s sake, don’t beat yourself up for feeling jealous when your partner is being an asshole.

Whisky and kink

I was at a couple of whisky tastings recently, and I noticed some surprising parallels between enjoying whisky and enjoying kink.

First of all, and I freely admit I’ve been very lucky here, at all the tastings I’ve been to the person leading the tasting has told us that what’s important is drinking the whisky you like, the way you like to drink it. If you like the 10 year old version of a whisky better than the 16 year, drink the 10! If you like your whisky with some water or ice, drink it that way!

That definitely carries over to kink. If everyone involved in your scene is having fun, you are doing it right. Who gives a shit if you don’t have a super serious scene or don’t have totally rigid power dynamics or don’t do anything especially flashy? The only thing that really matters is that everyone has a good time (or has a bad time in the way they meant to 🙂 )

In kink, like in whisky, there are certainly snobs out there. Plenty of people will tell you that it’s wrong to put ice in your whisky or to make a cocktail with it. They can all fuck right off, it’s your whisky and your kink and you should do what you like with it. Some people will tell you that you need fancy glassware or whisky stones to really enjoy whisky. I personally drink mine out of a plain old rocks glass. Glencairn glasses are pretty and all, but I enjoy my whisky more if I can stick my face right in the glass and breathe it in.

You’ll run into plenty of people in kink who think you’re not a real kinkster if you don’t have a bunch of expensive toys, as if those matter at all if you aren’t playing with the right person. Toys are fun and I recommend getting a good flogger if you like flogging and can afford one, but it’s not like you can’t have plenty of fun with a few dollars worth of stuff from the dollar store and a little creativity. Plus, if you enjoy reactions it’s awesome to see the look on people’s faces when you pull something totally bizarre out of your toybag 🙂

Just like in kink, there’s actually a huge variety in whisky. Heavily peated whiskies are very different from lighter, smoother whiskies that have been distilled more times are different from whiskies that have been aged in sherry casks are different from whiskies that have been aged in port casks are different from whiskies that have been aged in newer barrels are different from whiskies that have been aged in older barrels and on and on.

If you don’t like heavily peated whisky, that doesn’t mean whisky just isn’t for you. There’s lots of other stuff you can try that might be more your style. Same with kink – not everybody wants a hardcore impact play scene, and if that’s not your thing there are only about a zillion other things you can try. You’re not any less a whisky drinker or a kinkster if you know what you like and stick with that.

Whisky, like kink, can be pretty intense. I’ve been drinking it for a while and cask strength whiskies still mostly taste like burning to me. It took me a while to learn to appreciate the differences between even normal strength (~40% alcohol) whiskies. If it takes you a while to get into it or to find the thing you like, that doesn’t mean you’re not a real whisky drinker. I know of one person who didn’t enjoy whisky until she tried pairing it with chocolate, which helped her make sense of what she was tasting.

If it takes you a while to get into kink, that doesn’t mean you’re not a real kinkster. If you only like some things, or only like them in certain combinations (for example, it’s really common to only like pain when you’re already turned on), all that means is that you figured out what you like. Good on you for figuring that out, you can’t very well tell people what you want if you don’t know yourself.

Go forth and enjoy your kink and your whisky however you damn well want!