Nov 232014

Jess Mahler, an excellent author and blogger was kind enough to offer me this guest post on the subject of abusers and the lies our culture tells us about them. Thanks Jess!

The stories we tell ourselves matter. So often I hear people say “It’s just fiction!” Conveniently forgetting that we use stories as teaching tools in school because they work. But I’m not going to beat that horse today. Instead, I want to talk about one specific story. The story of the abuser.

The abuser is a mean, selfish, angry man. He is a control freak who uses manipulation, coercion, and threats of (or actual) violence to keep the people he claims to love under his thumb. He is a horrible, evil person who may also be insane, but also may be redeemed by the power of love.

This is the story our culture tells about abusers. We have been seen it in movies, read it in books, talked over, around and under it, but we almost never look at it straight in the face and talk about it. It is this story which underlies all out discussions about abuse, our attempts to address abuse in the scene, and our ideas about what an abuser looks like.

This story is a lie. Abusers are rarely any of these things. Many abusers are like this young man, thinking they are helping the person they abuse. Some don’t know how to have a healthy relationship and believe thanks to many romcoms, romance books and porn, that they way they  are behaving is healthy. Others may know that their behavior is wrong, but not know what is right or where to go to get help. Some may be dealing with mental or physical illness, lashing out from pain or inability to do anything else. And some are, in fact, the angry selfish prick of our popular narrative. Perhaps the most dangerous lie is that all abusers are men.

If we are ever going to deal with abuse in the scene, we need to change how we think about abusers. We need to stop thinking of monsters, and start thinking of people. We must be willing to look past a charismatic personality, to not dismiss the possibility that someone we like might be an abuser. And most importantly we need to be willing to look at ourselves.

The scene generally promotes an awareness of our behavior and its consequences in the dungeon. We encourage each other to know the risks of our chosen activities, to keep communication going within a scene in case problems develop, to honestly assess our mental state and ability to play safely, and to regularly check ourselves for the possibility that we may make a mistake. We need to start taking that same self-awareness to other parts of our interactions and relationships. To build healthy communication outside of scenes so we can recognize and deal with problems as they develop. To actively seek out and learn healthy relationship techniques, the way we learn new bondage techniques. To stop and assess our words, actions, and ask ourselves “Is this the way to build a healthy relationship?”

We need to understand that each of us can be an abuser, because only then will it be possible for the people who abusers to say, “I’m fucking up, I’m hurting people, I love, and I need help learning to stop.” For as long as saying, “I am an abuser,” is the same as saying, “I am a monster,” we will never be able to build the structures to effectively address abuse within the scene. (And for the rare abuser who is the selfish, angry, control freak of popular culture? We can’t help them, we can’t change them, we can only remove them to protect ourselves and others.)

Before I wrap up, I want to make one important distinction. Abusers are not rapists. Studies have shown that contrary to our popular view of the drunk college boy who got carried away, the majority of rapes are committed by serial rapists who deliberately plan out their attacks–yes, that includes so-called “date rape.” Rape and abuse may overlap, but they are not two sides of the same coin.

Nov 162014

The reposting continues! This rant about how Elise Sutton is a) wrong about everything, and b) almost certainly a submissive man running a scam, was originally published in early 2013, and the comments on the original post are worth reading if only for this gem posted by perversecowgirl:

Let me just be perfectly clear here: in an Elise Sutton-y situation where I’m a “goddess” and my partner is inferior to me, I’m not going to prance around in a fucking leather thong and stiletto boots. Outfits like that are uncomfortable and restrict my movement; I have no reason to want to wear them. Certainly not to titillate my partner; why would I have any desire to please some inferior male that way? Might as well dress up pretty for the family dog.

That’s just such a great skewering of the idea that women are somehow both superior to men and exist to turn them on.

I also have a followup post, How to introduce  your partner to femdom, for people who would like something a little more helpful than a long list of don’ts.

Or, how many things can Elise Sutton get wrong in a single article? There’s a lot of bad advice out there for submissive men, but I think Elise Sutton’s is especially bad.

In the very first paragraph of her article How To Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend To The Female Domination Lifestyle she says:

All women are superior to men and all women are a potential Dominatrix.

The idea that any gender is magically superior is so stupid it’s just boring, so let’s move on to the other horribly offensive part of this sentence. The idea that all women are potential dominatrixes is bad and wrong on so many levels. First of all, it’s hugely insulting to submissive women, switches, kinksters who aren’t interested in power exchange, and vanilla women to act like their preferences and identities don’t count. I think that submissive men are the hottest thing since humans discovered fire, but that doesn’t mean I can’t respect other people’s desires for dominant/switchy/kinky but not into power exchange/vanilla men.

Not only is saying that all women can be dominant insulting, it’s just wrong. Not all women can be or have any interest in being dominant. Given that, it’s just cruel to give the submissive men that article is aimed at false hope. Even if the wife or girlfriend they hope to introduce to femdom actually turns out to be interested in it, there’s no guarantee that her interests will be compatible with his. What if she ends up really enjoying giving orders, but what makes him feel like a good submissive is knowing what she needs before she has to give an order? What if she gets into verbal humiliation and cuckolding, but all he wants is some bondage and a spanking now and then?

This is a little bit of an aside, but for fuck’s sake people, not everyone has to be kinky. Enjoying missionary position sex with the lights out doesn’t mean you’re unadventurous or unevolved or boring or whatever. It just means you enjoy missionary position sex with the lights out.

Therefore, if you are a submissive male who is married or in a serious relationship with a woman, you need to search no further for your Dominatrix. She is right in front of you. The challenge for you is to draw out her dominant nature with your submissive nature. This is not always easy, as most women have been programmed from the time they were born that they are to be in subjection to men.

The first part is just.. ugh, but the last part isn’t completely awful. It does take some time for women in particular to get used to the idea that being dominant doesn’t make them unlovable harridans.

However, if you seduce her dominant nature and draw it out of her, once it starts to come to the forefront then you can introduce her to some D&S and B&D activities. So how do you seduce your wife’s dominant nature with your submissive nature?

You begin by treating her like a Queen. You begin by serving her as if she was already the dominant woman of your dreams. Be humble and submissive around her. Don’t argue with her, don’t yell at her, and don’t give her any back talk. Your purpose in your relationship is to serve her. What she says goes, so be quick to agree with her.

Not every woman has a dominant nature! But moving on, don’t you think it would freak a woman out of her husband suddenly started acting ‘humble and submissive’ around her? Also, who’s to say your version of ‘humble and submissive’ has anything to do with what the woman who’s being submitted at actually wants? ‘Submissive’ is not the word I’d use for someone who does what makes him happy without asking me if that’s what I want. ‘Self-absorbed’ is what I’d call that. Agreeing with everything I say isn’t actually helpful either. If I come up with a plan, I really want to know if it’s a terrible plan. Just being submissive doesn’t mean a person’s input isn’t valuable.

Another thing that you can do to seduce your wife’s dominant nature is you can offer to give her foot and body massages.

Not everyone likes massages! Not everyone likes having their feet touched! It’s almost like there’s no dominant female hivemind.

Go and kneel next to her, take off her shoes, and rub her tired feet. As she relaxes in pleasure, work your massage up her legs and massage and lightly scratch her legs.

That’s awfully specific. Also, scratch my legs and I’ll slap you. I have extremely dry skin, and scratching it actually makes the itching worse. While we’re at it, a shoulder or neck massage would do me a lot more good than a foot massage since I spend my work day sitting down in front of a computer.

Eventually, you might take more liberty as you rub her feet. You might start to kiss and lick her feet. I wouldn’t do this the first time, but if she responds positively to the massages, then keep adding to them. You might work your kissing and licking from her feet, up her legs, and then to her crotch.

Not everyone likes having their feet kissed or licked! For that matter, not everyone likes having a massage suddenly turn into sexytimes. And that’s assuming the woman even likes oral sex, which not everyone does!

Kiss her body all over and make love to her with your mouth and tongue. Do not ever penetrate her with your penis, unless she requests it.

What if she doesn’t request it? Given the lack of communication this article assumes, I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to wonder what happens if this woman never feels comfortable requesting a particular sex act. Thanks to all of our culture’s myths about men and sex, she might even assume her partner doesn’t want to penetrate her and feel hurt and rejected.

Eventually, you might want to buy a vibrator or a dildo and you can please her with it.

Not everyone likes vibrators! Some women, like me, really really like bio cocks.

The goal is to get both you and her in the habit of viewing sex as being for the woman’s pleasure. It will be for the man’s pleasure only if the woman says so.

That’s a perfectly good goal if both partners get a chance to consent to it, but it’s kind of weird to just spring it on someone. She might be really turned on by her partner’s reactions, in which case sex that’s all about the man doing things to her could be boring and unsatisfying.

Whenever she give you permission to enter her or whenever she is giving you pleasure, always ask her permission before you climax. She will again probably be amazed that you are even asking, but eventually she will come to really like the idea that she controls your orgasms.

You’re not the boss of me, Elise! *stamps foot and pouts* I will not like orgasm control just because you say I should! Orgasm control also doesn’t work without fucking talking about it like grown ups. How is this woman supposed to know it’s okay to say no? How is she supposed to know how to handle it if her husband/boyfriend/partner gets frustrated? How is she supposed to know how much denial he can take before he needs an orgasm? I guess she’s just supposed to be psychic. Funny, I thought psychic-powers levels of anticipatory service were a submissive thing, not a dominant thing.

Still another way to seduce your wife’s dominant nature is to buy her little gifts, bring her flowers, and write poetry for her. Take her out to dinner or shopping. Perhaps you could even cook dinner for her and serve her dinner like a waiter. Another thing you can do is to prepare her a bubble bath, undress her, bathe her, then take her to the bedroom and orally service her.

Not everyone likes gifts, flowers, or poetry written for them! And again with the oral service. It’s almost like this whole article has more to do with what turns submissive men on than what might actually make their partners happy.

You could buy her a leather skirt or a pair of leather pants and compliment her on how sexy she looks in leather and how submissive seeing her in leather makes you feel.

Really? Dressing her up like a dolly is supposed to make her feel dominant? Also, I missed the part where the man explains what submission is, how he feels, and why she would want him to feel extra submissive.

Whenever she asks you why you are treating her so good or acting so submissive around her, tell her it’s because you love her and because you have come to realize that women are superior beings, and as such they should be treated like Queens.

Yeah, being told that my partner has suddenly decided women are superior beings wouldn’t make me want to head for the hills. That’s not creepy at all.

When do you bring up D&S and B&D? When she starts to respond positively to your submission and she starts to ask you more about Female Domination.

Not ‘if’ she starts to respond positively to your submission, but ‘when’, huh? It’s awfully convenient how absolutely all women can be molded to fit their male partners’ fetishes.

From this point on, slowly introduce her to D&S and B&D. Buy her some fetish clothes, and maybe a leather paddle or a whip.

Not everyone likes fetish wear! Not everyone likes impact toys! Not everyone who likes impact toys like whips or paddles in particular. Learning to use a whip takes some work, deciding for her that she’s going to take up a time-consuming hobby is kind of a dick move.

 Not every woman will react the same and not every woman will grow at the same pace. However, I believe that if you are persistent and consistent than your wife will eventually overcome her inhibitions and she will allow her dominant nature to freely flow out of her.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Damn straight not every woman will react the same way. Some of us aren’t dominant! What you call persistence that could convince a woman it’s safe to try to overcome her inhibitions, I call relentless nagging that a woman eventually gives in to so she can have five minutes of peace.

Then she will totally seize the reigns of your relationship and she will fulfill her potential as the dominant woman that she was meant to be. Good Luck.

Take your ideas about what women are meant to be and fuck off. Female domination is more than just another way for women to fail to measure up.

Nov 092014

Here’s another blast from the past, this time from July 2012. Sadly, the link to Lily LLoyd’s blog is broken, but I like the think the post basically makes sense without it.



LilyLloyd wrote this amazing post about how “The whole born dominant bullshit is… well, bullshit”. It’s fantastic and you should read it right now. And it gets better! A Feminist Sub left this brilliant comment:

Really interesting post! I do have to say that I have a problem with the old Leather idea of bottoming as a step on the way to topping, because I think it conveys an idea that topping/domming is more valuable than bottoming/submitting. Like subs are simply people who couldn’t cut it as doms.

I don’t *think* that was the intended message with that tradition, but I do think that it’s contributed to domism in contemporary BDSM culture – I think the “standards” for calling oneself a dom are much higher than for calling oneself a sub. To be a sub, you just need submissive desires – to be a dom, you need credentials. Hence all the ranting about how there are no “real doms.” And I think that’s another reason that it seems like there are so many more doms than subs.

That blew my mind. It makes so much sense, but somehow I just never saw it before. Of course we don’t see submission as valuable in its own right if we treat it like it’s just a stage you go through before you reach the real goal of becoming dominant.

Why don’t we ever suggest that submissive/bottom type people try topping? We tell tops all the time that you should bottom before you top. It’s certainly true that there are lots of things you can learn by bottoming, but there are also plenty of things you can learn from topping. I can tell someone I really do want to hear about what my bottom wants until I’m blue in the face, but if they try topping it might click for them that’s it really is helpful to get some feedback.

Then again, it would totally destroy the dominant mystique if any lowly submissive could pick up a flogger and try it out for themselves. Anyone can bottom after all, it’s only the chosen few who can top. And if you actually believe that, there’s a Nigerian Prince who would like to speak with you, you poor stupid fuck.

Assuming that just anyone can bottom but topping is special is pretty much the dictionary definition ofdomism. With how passionately I hate the idea that I’m somehow more worthy because I decided to call myself dominant, I’m amazed and kind of disturbed that I never saw it before. I should know better, but I just didn’t see until A Feminist Sub pointed it out. This is how ingrained domism is in BDSM culture, and this is why I rail so hard against it when I see it.

Nov 022014

As a kink blogger with an interest in social justice, I kind of have to have something to say about Jian Ghomeshi. I’m very short on time lately, but fortunately other bloggers have already made most of the points I would if I had more time.

In case any of my readers don’t already know the background, here’s a good summary of the situation. The Toronto Star was the first to report that the CBC fired Jian not because he was kinky but because he had abused multiple women. The Star also has a timeline of how the situation has unfolded which shows how things have gone from bad to worse for Jian. As I write this post there are currently nine women accusing Jian of abuse, a number which I expect to become out of date shortly. Three women, another number I expect to change, are being interviewed by the Toronto police as part of their investigation into the allegations of physical and sexual assault.

So far two women have even come forward publicly. Actor and air force captain Lucy DeCoutere (who plays Lucy on Trailer Park Boys), and author and lawyer Reva Seth have both done interviews with the Star about their experiences with Jian.

Let me be entirely clear: if I personally knew those women, I would high five them until our hands were sore. Coming forward publicly is terrifying, but sadly necessary. As Lucy said in her interview, she wanted to tell her story, which she described as not that painful, in order to help other women with potentially much more painful stories to feel safe coming forward and “not have to deal with the brunt of any kind of media stuff.” That is fucking amazing of her to come forward to try to protect other women, knowing that Jian’s supporters will come after her and that her story will be torn apart in the news.

As for the “media stuff”, to quote the article about Reva:

She debated coming forward for fear of “judgment, online trolls, the questioning of all your other choices,” as well as possible assertions that her experience was not bad or happened too long ago.

Seth also believed if she came forward, that she would be “eviscerated” because she had willingly gone to Ghomeshi’s house, drank and smoked marijuana with him, and had a sexual past.

That’s the problem I really want to talk about. Jian is just a symptom, he’s not the root cause. The real problem is women getting torn apart because they weren’t the “perfect victim” (that is, a perfect, virginal white woman who was brutally attacked by a stranger in a place that should have been safe and who physically fought back and had never gotten drunk, done drugs, had casual sex or done anything “wrong” in her entire life, ever). The real problem is how many people knew Jian was trouble and didn’t know what to do about it besides warn people as best they could. The real problem is the many lies of rape culture that help keep women from coming forward. The real problem is the trouble we all have with understanding that liking someone personally or enjoying their work doesn’t mean they can’t also have done terrible things. The real problem is that when a man posts on Facebook saying he’s innocent, people’s first instinct is to believe him, but when women say they’ve been abused they’re liars unless they go to the police and they get a conviction, which I would like to remind everyone is extremely unlikely.

The one thing I do find heartening about this case is that despite Jian’s attempt to paint himself as a poor persecuted pervert, to quote Andrea Zanin, the media, at least in the articles I’ve read, has a shockingly good understanding of the difference between consensual BDSM and what Jian did. Here’s hoping his attempt to use the “I’m just kinky” defense leaves it forever tainted and unusable by the assholes who would try to pretend that hurting people is okay if you slap the label BDSM on it.

Note: comments are closed because I do not have it in me to deal with some shitstain crying about “innocent until proven guilty!11!!!”. I’m not a judge, I’m not a jury, I’m just a fucking blogger. I’m allowed to have an opinion. For the record, my opinion is that when nine women accuse someone of something, he fucking did it.

Oct 262014

I’ve been unreasonably busy lately and will be for a while yet, so I’m going to be reposting some of my older posts. This one was originally posted in 2011, just after I started blogging. Enjoy!

The promised rant about S/stupid P/people W/who W/write L/like T/this.

To be clear, I’m perfectly fine with any way people want to communicate with each other *in private*. If capitalizing pronouns only when referring to dominant people is a satisfying way to make your submissive mindful of exactly how he or she writes, go nuts! But when you smear your private protocols all over a public forum, I think it’s fair for people to complain.

There are three main reasons why S/slashy speak and capitalization only of dominant people’s names bother me so much.

1. It’s difficult to read. S/slashy speak is especially bad, but capitalization abuse also ruins the flow of a sentence. Blogs, forums, and chat rooms are written mediums. If you want people to read what you’ve written, you have a responsibility to write clearly and concisely. If you insist on using txt speak (u instead of you, r instead of are, and so on) when you have a qwerty keyboard at your disposal, or ramble on and on, you have no right to complain about not being taken seriously.

Seriously, what did the English language ever do to you? There’s no need to torture it like that. I’m perfectly willing to give a pass to people who aren’t native English speakers or who just have trouble spelling (I know a few perfectly clever people who simply can’t spell very well no matter how hard they try), but if your English is otherwise fine I have to assume you’re more interested in showing off how high protocol you are than in communicating.

2. It puts all all dominant identified people above all submissive identified people, which I’m really uncomfortable with. Dominant people as a group are absolutely not better, more worthy of respect, than submissive people as a group. Outside of silly capitalization rules, pronouns in English are only capitalized when referring to God. Equating dominant people to a supreme being like that is ridiculous.

Personally, I capitalize people’s names the way that they do – I look at the usernames attached to their blog posts or their twitter feeds. If someone were to point out that I spelled or capitalized their name wrong, obviously I’d correct it. I don’t get to decide how someone else’s name should be capitalized just because I declared myself dominant, and no one else gets to decide how my name should be capitalized just because they declared themselves high protocol.

3. It drags me into someone else’s scene without my consent. If capitalizing your dominant’s name and lower casing yours turns your crank, great! Just don’t drag me into it. The same way it’s inappropriate to call someone Mistress or Master when they’re not your mistress or master, it’s also inappropriate to capitalize/lowercase someone’s name and/or pronouns when they innocently wandered into a forum and tried to have a discussion. Protocol may be very important to you, but that doesn’t give you the right to apply your personal protocol willy nilly to everyone who crosses your path. Also, no matter how mcch you want to believe in a uniform protocol that all real, true, kinksters follow, there is NO universal protocol beyond basic politeness – don’t touch without permission, say please and thank you, etc. Believing otherwise is a clear inability to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Oct 192014

Recently Miss Pearl wrote an excellent rant about douchebags who try whine and cry about not being allowed into age restricted munches, which you should absolutely read. To very briefly summarize her point, if you know perfectly goddamn well that the rules of an event exclude you and you try to force your way in anyway, you have just conclusively proven that you are an asshole who will ignore the rules to get what they want.

Following the rules at a kinky event is vitally important because doing so signals that you give a shit. When you show up to an event you aren’t welcome at, you are proving that you cannot be trusted to follow an extremely simple rule. This naturally leads people to wonder if you would give a shit if they used their safeword, or told you they didn’t want you to penetrate any of their orifices, or that their hand is going numb and they need the ropes loosened. If I have to wonder that about a person, I don’t want them anywhere remotely fucking near me.

It doesn’t even matter what the rules of the event are or how unfair you believe they are. There is simply no way to show up at an event you aren’t welcome at without looking like a tremendous asshole. And if you’re going to try to convince anyone you didn’t know you weren’t welcome, just fucking stop. All you’re proving at that point is that you’re too stupid to read the rules. Munches with any sort of attendance restriction, whether it’s under 35s only or female subs only, are reliably very clear about who is welcome. This is because you are not the first special fucking snowflake who tried to get in. You can disagree, you can tell all of your friends what a big Meaniepants McPoopyhead the organizer is, but you cannot claim the rules weren’t clearly stated. Protip: proving that you’re too stupid to actually read the rules is not much more confidence inspiring than proving that you just don’t care about the rules.

As for the idiots who cry about ageism, I have a question for you:

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Imagine that the vast majority of people at the all ages munches were under 25. Would you maybe feel the least bit out of place going to an event like that if you were over 35? Might you start thinking that it would be nice to have an event where you could talk with people who understood when you said you had to get home and pay the babysitter, or that you couldn’t go to that awesome weekend conference because the roof needs to be repaired?

Oh, you don’t have anything to say? I’m shocked.

My local TNG group doesn’t have any hard and fast age limits, but it is intended for people 18 – 35. I’m only 31, and I’m already starting to wonder why on earth a 35+ year old would even want to go to a TNG munch. The people who go to that munch are perfectly lovely and the organizers are personal friends of mine, but it’s getting hard for me to relate to people in their early 20s. It’s been a long time since I had to worry about final exams or the price of textbooks (which are completely fucked up), and I feel like a complete asshole bitching about the job that pays me more than enough to live on to people who are staring down the barrel of years of debt.

Also, I would be shocked to hear of a TNG munch that didn’t give people who are just over the maximum age a little bit of wiggle room. I’m certainly too lazy to immediately throw people out on their 36th birthday. For that matter, if you’re there supporting an under 35 friend or partner who didn’t want to go by themselves, I would be very surprised if you weren’t welcome as long as you made an effort to behave yourself.

On the other hand, if you’re 39 (for example) and you want to hang out with people in their late teens/early 20s, I really do have to question your motives. Sure, it’s possible that you’re new to the scene, want to hang out with other people who are probably new (note that 18-35 munches don’t necessarily assume that you’re new, just that you want to hang out with people roughly your own age) and for some weird reason think that spending time with people in their early 20s won’t be awkward, but sad to say it’s more likely that people your own age won’t take your bullshit.

Before people flip their shit, please pay attention to the fact that I did not say that people over the age of 35 are inherently creepy and bad. I said that people over the age of 35 who want to go to a munch specifically for 18-35 year olds are sketchy as fuck. If you are over 35 and would never dream of crashing a munch where you aren’t welcome, you’re golden! If you are attracted to younger people but don’t want to creep them out by disregarding simple rules, you’re great! If you love the idea of “corrupting” someone young and innocent, I promise there are plenty of young, “innocent” people who jerk off to the idea of being “corrupted” by a bad, bad, <gender of their choice>. They might even play with you if you put that giant red flag down and start acting like a decent human being.

Oct 122014

Scammers are all over the internet, but some of the most loathsome are the ones who prey on lonely submissive men. As if being a submissive man wasn’t hard enough anyway between non-kinky people thinking you’re a freak and kinky people thinking you’re a dime a dozen, you also get to deal with assholes using your insecurities to extract money from you.

The worst part, to my mind, is how hard it is to recognize that kind of assholery for what it is when you’re emotionally involved. It’s sadly common to see discussions started by submissive men wondering if they did something wrong when all they did was prove to a scammer that they weren’t an easy mark.

Aside from trying to remind submissive men that they are valuable and deserve better than some jerkwad taking them for a ride, I thought I’d try to give some tips on avoiding scammers.

First of all, a woman who asks you for money before you’ve even met is most certainly a scammer. A sex worker would be up front about her rates and what she’s willing to do for you (well, as much as she can be without risking arrest, of course), and a woman genuinely looking for a relationship would not ask you for money. I have heard about women who supposedly ask for tribute before a first meeting to weed out flakes, but even if that’s not total bullshit, it’s not behaviour that should be tolerated either. It’s not your fault she’s bad at weeding out people who are likely to flake on her, why should you have to pay for that?

Also, you may have heard that dominant women are often control freaks. People do vary and I’m sure there are exceptions, but in general that’s pretty accurate. What that means in terms of asking for money is that I personally would rather live on rice and not turn the heat on in my house than let anyone, particularly anyone I wanted to date, know that I didn’t have my finances under control. I’m not saying that’s healthy or wise, just that it’s extremely common for dominant people of any gender to hate looking like they’re not in control of their lives.

Speaking of things that are common for dominant people, we either own our own toys or know how to have fun without them. Anyone who asks you for money so they can buy toys for your meeting is lying. That is just complete and utter bullshit. A lot of the toys we use take practice – the first time I threw a flogger, I certainly wasn’t any good at it – which means that responsible tops own toys so they can practice with them. If someone doesn’t have their own toy that they’ve practiced with, for gods sake don’t let them hit you with anything besides their own two hands.

Even if your prospective dom says they have to get on a plane to come meet you and don’t want to bring their own toys because they’re worried about the TSA stealing their stuff, the whole “I need money for toys” thing is still bullshit. If someone tries that on you, ask them if they’ve ever heard of “pervertibles.” Seriously, $10 in a dollar store and you’re set. Not to mention you can have plenty of fun with a belt, a sleep mask, and the belt from a robe and hey, the TSA isn’t going to look twice at any of that. And of course, there’s always the option of hands, teeth, and nails and the instruction to hold still or the scene stops.

You know what else is bullshit? Scammers asking you to “prove that you’re serious” by sending them money. That is simply not what someone who is actually interested in a relationship would ever do. Not only because all that would prove is that you have some disposable income, but because it sets up the expectation that their attention can be bought. Have you seen how much time dominant women spend bitching about guys who try to treat us like pro-doms? No dominant woman with any sense whatsoever wants the guy she’s dating to be confused about whether they’re in a relationship or whether he’s just paying a pro. A pro wouldn’t want that either, she has shit to do besides explain to a client that she is not his girlfriend and will not be meeting him for dinner unless he would like to pay for her time.

If you’re talking with someone who is deliberately muddying the waters between starting a lifestyle relationship and paying a pro, they’re either a scammer or an idiot. When all of the possibilities suck that much, just run.

But I digress. Back on the subject of proving you’re serious about pursing a relationship, what would prove to me that someone really did want to be my submissive would be things like texting when he says he will, emailing when he says he will, doing small things to help me out like researching local events and recommending things I might like, and otherwise acting like he, you know, cares about my happiness.

And finally, anyone who tells you not to question them when they ask you for money or says that you must not be serious about wanting to find a dom of your own when you balk at sending them money is a scammer. No one worth submitting to would ever, ever tell you it’s not okay to ask for clarification or voice your discomfort with an order. That is a gigantic red flag and you should run far far away from anyone who starts waving it.

The more I think about it, the more similarities I see between scammers and terrible doms you should run away from. My final advice is to worry less about whether you’re getting scammed and more about whether you would want anything to do with this person even if they never asked you for money.

Oct 052014

I’ve been meaning to signal boost this awesome list of PoC BDSM/Fetish blogs for ages, and I happen to be stupid busy with work lately, so here you go. This list was compiled by the Dean at, all credit goes to them. All I’m doing here is signal boosting the fact that kink is not just for white people. On to the list!


POC BDSM/Fetish Blogs *Updated List as of: 3/28/14*

NOTE: This is the updated list to the previous list that is floating around tumblr. Thank you for all of those who have been rebloging. Its good to know that there are more like us on here. Please make sure to support and follow.

POC BDSM/Fetish Blogs/ Kinsters of Color


Sep 282014

I spend a lot of time yelling about how easy it is for s-types to be abused, and while I want to be clear that in general people on that side of the slash are much more vulnerable to abuse, it’s also important to talk about how being a d-type does not magically grant you immunity to abuse.

Take this woman (link goes to a Savage Love article, for those who aren’t fans) for example, a former pro dom who has been blatantly emotionally abused by her partner, a former client. After they had been together for some time (the letter doesn’t specify exactly how long), he pressured her to give up her job as a pro dom because “he didn’t want to be with a woman who was still practicing this kind of physical intimacy with others”, then “his jealousy flared” when she went out for lunch with a male friend she had played with before, and again when he snooped on her computer and found a photo of her physically intimate with an ex. And finally, the issue that prompted the letter writer to ask Dan Savage for advice: “But the latest and most bitter pill is that he no longer wants me to write anything about my experiences-not because it might cause professional fallout if people knew about him dating a former pro domme (notwithstanding the fact that he was a client once), but because he doesn’t want me to think about the experiences I’ve had.”

Due to the stigma sex workers face, the letter writer is particularly vulnerable to being pressured to give up a job she reportedly loved. As she said in her letter “It seemed like I needed to give that up to have a marriage and family” which is not at all an unusual thing to think. I’m sure there are many people who have left sex work for that exact reason. However, her job really doesn’t matter that much. No matter what you do for a living, no matter how “respectable” it is, an abuser will find a way to object to it. If she were still a secretary, like she was before she became a pro dom, he would just complain about her dealing with strange men all day or accuse her of flirting with her coworkers. If she worked as a goddamn kindergarten teacher, he would find some way to make her feel bad about her job and by extension herself.

The truly ridiculous thing is that if her partner didn’t want to “be with a woman who was still practicing this kind of physical intimacy with others,” there’s an extremely simple solution. Don’t date her. She’s not the only kinky woman in the world, so if her job is a deal breaker put on your big kid pants and leave her.

There are many, many things in the scene that make it terrifyingly easy to abuse submissive people – the idea that having fewer limits makes you a better submissive, that 24/7 TPE is something you should aspire to, that saying no to your dom means you’re just playing at submitting just for starters – but doms can be abused too. We’re only human, after all. If your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, if they control your life in ways that you don’t enjoy, or that you didn’t agree to or that don’t enrich your life, you are being abused. Whether you’re a dom or a sub simply does not matter.