I went to a women-only play party and it was awesome!

Like it says on the tin, I went to a women-only play party and I had a fantastic time. I’ve blogged before about how much I resent feeling like my job as a woman (at a party or otherwise) is to be decorative, so it was fucking amazing being at a party where I didn’t have to worry about that at all.

I’m not sure how much of it had to do with not having any men at the party and how much was just the way the organizers ran it, but it was an incredibly relaxed party. Keep in mind that I’m an introvert, feeling relaxed at a party isn’t exactly my natural state ūüôā It was so nice just to hang out¬†with a bunch of other women. I didn’t feel like I was on display or like anyone gave even a fraction of a shit about whether my outfit was hot enough. I can’t even explain how great it was to know that it wasn’t that everyone was too nice to comment on whether I was doing a good job of being decorative, but that nobody cared. At all. It was a complete non-issue.

Another thing that was an absolutely delightful non-issue was women playing with women. I’ve done that in front of men before and I’ll most likely do it again, but I’m always aware that a) as a woman topping, it’s not unlikely that some douchebag in the audience is just itching to tell me I’m doing it wrong, and b) as a woman playing with another woman, some douchebag in the audience (quite possibly the same one) probably thinks we’re doing that purely to make him feel funny in his pants. It’s irritating as fuck to have the weight of other people’s idiotic assumptions on me, and it was really nice to go to a party where I didn’t have to deal with that.

I also had a really lovely scene with a friend where I hit her with different stuff for science ūüôā Or more precisely so she could figure out what she liked since she hadn’t gotten to bottom very much before. There’s nothing not fun about watching people go from “I’m not sure, can you do it again?” to “yes, more please!” Hitting people with things is really relaxing for me in a way I can’t fully explain, too.

As a bit of an aside, since I’m not sure I’ve talked about this before, I enjoy playing with women even though I’m straight. Not all kink is about sex, and my bottom’s gender doesn’t seem to matter in terms of having fun in a scene. What matters to me is that we like each other and they give me fun reactions. I think I’d feel more comfortable playing really hard with a man because I do have some societal hangups about seriously¬†beating¬†on people who are smaller than I am – I’m not exceptionally tall for a woman but I do loom over a lot of other women – but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with women.

If you’re a woman I highly recommend going to a women-only party – just check and make sure the organizers know trans women are women because you don’t want to party with assholes. The one I went to was one of the only parties I’ve felt like a first class citizen at and I think everyone should have a chance to experience that.

It’s okay to be different

So I’ve been thinking about Orlando a lot this past week. I didn’t say anything about it last week because I just felt so helpless. I mean, I’m Canadian, it’s not as if US politicians are going to care if I call them up and say “for fuck’s sake fix your fucking gun control laws.” Besides, if those laws were going to get fixed, it would have happened after Sandy Hook.

Easy access to guns is only one of the problems, anyway. I believe the root causes of Orlando were a horrible mix of homophobia, toxic masculinity, racism, and possibly transphobia/transmisogyny. Let’s not forget that the murderer attacked Pulse on¬†Latin night. I don’t know if that was intentional or coincidental, but either way¬†it was devastating to¬†the Latin community. All of these people, all of their hopes and dreams, all of the good they could have done in the world, are gone because some asshole with a gun hated gay people.

I can’t do shit about another country’s gun laws, but here’s what we can all do: tell people it’s okay to be different. Tell yourself it’s okay to be different too.¬†Who does it harm to let gay people, bisexual people, pansexual people, queer people and everyone else who isn’t exclusively straight be who they are? Harming people is what makes someone a bad person, not being gay. Your sexual orientation has all the moral weight of your food preferences: none whatsoever. Being gay isn’t just morally neutral, it’s morally irrelevant. It simply has nothing to do with whether you’re a good person.

Whether you’re gay, trans, non-binary, a furry, a leather fetishist, a pervert in general or completely uninterested in kink, you are okay. If you have sex with strangers, with your friends, with multiple partners, with just one partner, or no one at all, you are okay. If you are asexual, grey-a, demisexual, you are okay. If you are mentally ill, just a little odd, neurodivergent, especially sensitive, socially awkward, you are okay. If you are a total dork, if you go hard when you love a game, a book, a movie, a tv show, if you never want to leave your workshop or your art studio, you are okay.

You are not bad or wrong because you’re different.

Here’s something else we can do: tell men it’s okay to have feelings. Raise boys to know it’s okay to have feelings.¬†It’s not a coincidence that nearly all mass shootings are perpetrated by men.¬†Something is terribly wrong with the way we as a society tell men they have to be and what we tell them the consequences of failing to measure up are. Men die of depression because¬†admitting that you’re having a hard time and you need help is considered “unmanly.” Men hate themselves for being sensitive or nurturing or noncompetitive or god forbid, submissive because those things are seen as “unmanly”.

Guys, it’s okay to not be a robot. It’s okay to tell society to go fuck itself. You have the right¬†to have feelings and be vulnerable. People who tell you otherwise are assholes who aren’t worth your time.

One last thing: fellow straight people, this blood is on our hands. Gay people did not teach the murderer that being gay is punishable by death. That was us. When you see homophobia, call that shit out.

You are not interchangeable

I’ve been seeing a lot of submissive men down on themselves lately and it makes me so sad when submissive men don’t realize how great they are. You are not a dime a dozen and you are not interchangeable!

The men who are interchangeable are the ones who call themselves submissive but think women exist to make their boners happy. Those guys are boring as shit. Men who actually care about their doms and want to make them happy are amazing. You can never be boring when you bring your whole self to the relationship, pay attention to your dom and put effort into making her happy.

Even if you actually do care about women, there are just so many terrible stereotypes out there it’s no wonder submissive men’s confidence takes a hit. How much porn have we all seen where the dom is bored or contemptuous of the sub? How¬†often are men told that a real man is never vulnerable, never hands control to someone else, never has feelings or wants to be wanted? When you see stuff like that all day every day, of course you start thinking that dominant women don’t actually like submissive men, or that if there is a dom out there who actually likes submissive men, you’ll never meet her.

Guys, awesome submissive men who are actually compatible with an individual dom are rare and precious! Just being compatible on vanilla levels like values, life goals, how you manage money, etc¬†is hard enough, finding someone who is also interested in the same kinks, the same sort of power exchange, the same amount of protocol is fucking miraculous. Non-kinky people search for the right partner for years and we all know that’s normal, so why would we think it would be easier to find the right kinky partner when kink makes things so much more complicated? You are not a failure or unlovable if you don’t find the right dom instantly, some people look for decades.

Using myself as an example, I’m a very low key, low protocol, anticipatory service kind of dom. The most perfect high protocol sub in the world would be terrible for me, protocol just doesn’t do it for me. The most obedient sub who waited for orders the most patiently would be terrible for me, I hate giving orders. The most amazing 24/7 “here, take control of literally everything” sub/slave/whatever label they like would be terrible for me, I just don’t want that level of responsibility for someone. People¬†who fit me on a kinky level and who I get along with on a vanilla level are very rare and obviously precious because of it.

And they’re hot like burning too ūüôā Submissive men definitely do not get appreciated enough for how hot they are. In my case, I have trouble putting how much I like submissive men into words.¬†To use a really terrible (and dorky) metaphor, it’s like trying to explain why I like avocados so much. I like avocados because they’re delicious and I like submissive men because they’re awesome. I mean,¬†people who like making me happy? And like being all helpless and biteable? And make great noises when I hit them with stuff?¬†What’s not awesome about all of that?

Submissive men are awesome and anyone who thinks otherwise can fuck right off.

Buy “Yes, Roya” right fucking now

“Yes, Roya” is an erotic graphic novel written by C. Spike Trotman and drawn by¬†Emilee Denich. It’s fucking amazing and you need to buy it right now. To give you some idea what it’s about, here’s the summary from the Iron Circus store:

Wylie Kogan is an aspiring artist, stumping for work in 1963 California. When a fawning fan letter grants him access to his cartoonist hero, the wealthy and celebrated Joseph Ahlstrom, he’s quick to take advantage of a proffered portfolio review . . . but winds up learning more than he ever wanted to about Joe when he stumbles across some of his idol’s illicit fetish art.

His hasty, ill-considered theft of a drawing triggers a series of events he never planned on . . . most of which involve Joseph’s imposing and resolute partner, Roya.

Now let’s talk about my ridiculous and fawning love for it.

OH MY FUCK SOMEONE WROTE A DOMINANT WOMAN WHO FUCKS LIKE SHE HAS NERVE ENDINGS IN HER VAGINA.

You might have gathered from the allcaps that I’m a little bit excited about that ūüôā¬†Obviously not everyone who has a vagina enjoys penetration, and some people who like it okay like other things more, etc, etc, which is no way makes it not absolutely fucking amazing to see a dominant woman depicted as a) liking sex, and b) not appearing any less dominant because of it.¬†The idea that dominant women are only allowed to fuck in certain ways and certain positions or they’ll magically stop being dominant irritates the shit out me. They’re my nerve endings and I’ll stimulate them how I like, asshole. If you think refusing to follow your idiotic orders makes me less dominant, you’re just too stupid to talk to.

When I read “Yes, Roya” I felt seen and more than that, celebrated.¬†Somebody actually created a character who enjoys sex the way I do and thought “yes, this is so hot that I’ll make money by publishing it.” It’s amazing to see something like that in a sea of terrible bullshit where dominant women only exist as props and have no desires of their own.

Also fantastic: she has interests besides dominating people! Considering “Yes, Roya” is an erotic graphic novel I couldn’t have complained too much if there was only¬†enough characterization to set up the smutty parts, but all the characters have interests and goals beyond getting their perv on. Roya¬†and her partners just plain like each other too, which is really lovely to see. It makes me so happy to see a dominant woman character who gets to be a person as well as a dom.

Yes, Roya combines a really cute story with smoking hot porn. Buy it, you’ll love it!

Jealousy is useful

I keep reading about how ever feeling jealousy means you’re terrible and unevolved and real poly people never feel jealous and it’s really starting to bug me.

Jealousy, like any other emotion, is just a signal. It’s not bad or good on its own, it’s how you react to it that matters. I mean, anger is supposedly “bad” and “negative” all the time, but it’s also fuel for fighting injustice and a signal that something going on is not okay. Sometimes that signal means that you need to learn to chill the fuck out and sometimes it means that someone is being an asshole to you.

Same with jealousy. Sometimes it means that you need a little extra reassurance from your partner. Sometimes it means you have some serious work to do on yourself. Sometimes it means you need to have a serious talk with your partner about how their actions affect you. And sometimes it means your partner is an asshole.

None of those things are signals you want to ignore!¬†Even if you just need a little extra reassurance, you need to ask for that before that unmet need kills your relationship. Sure, it sounds little, but the little stuff matters. Grand gestures can be exciting and all, but what really matters is how you treat your partner day to day. If you feel unappreciated, that feeling isn’t going to magically go away because you¬†think people who ever feel jealous are bad. It’s going to snowball if you don’t change things, even just a little.

Of course, sometimes jealousy takes more to fix than asking your partner to tell you you’re pretty.¬†If you can’t stand for your partner to have any friends of the gender(s) they’re attracted to (not sure what bi or pan people are supposed to do), for example, there’s absolutely nothing your partner can do to fix that. You need to do some very serious work on yourself if you ever want to be happy. I¬†don’t expect the people who need to do that to listen to me, but in case any of their partners are reading: it’s not you. You cannot love your partner’s insecurity away. They are the only one who can fix that, all you can do in that situation is decide what kind of treatment¬†is okay with you and what means you need to leave.

However, just because sometimes jealousy is sometimes more about you and your own insecurities more than about your partner’s actions doesn’t mean it’s never about their actions. Sometimes jealousy is totally justified, sometimes it really is them. It would be nice if people’s partners were never assholes, but sometimes they really, really are. Read an advice column (I particularly like Captain Awkward), and see how often people ask how they can stop being such jealous assholes when their partners are out late with flimsy excuses and weird charges show up on their credit card bills or when their partner is openly neglecting them or putting them last in favour of a new hobby/friend/job/whatever.

Having feelings about your partner treating you badly¬†doesn’t magically mean you’re wrong. It’s normal to feel angry when someone hurts you and it’s normal to feel jealous when your partner¬†doesn’t make you a priority. In cases like that, jealousy is a sign that you still have some self-esteem, not¬†some sort of personality flaw.

I don’t see “not feeling jealous” as a worthwhile goal at all. Feeling secure is a worthwhile goal, rarely feeling jealous is just a side-effect of that. Communicating well with your partner so you solve problems before they become a big deal is a worthwhile goal, and rarely feeling jealous is just a side-effect of that. ¬†Go for the real goals, don’t mistake the side-effect for what you really want to accomplish.

And for fuck’s sake, don’t beat yourself up for feeling jealous when your partner is being an asshole.

Whisky and kink

I was at a couple of whisky tastings recently, and I noticed some surprising parallels between enjoying whisky and enjoying kink.

First of all, and I freely admit I’ve been very lucky here, at all the tastings I’ve been to the person leading the tasting has told us that what’s important is drinking the whisky you like, the way you like to drink it. If you like the 10 year old version of a whisky better than the 16 year, drink the 10! If you like your whisky with some water or ice, drink it that way!

That definitely carries over to kink. If everyone involved in your scene is having fun, you are doing it right. Who gives a shit if you don’t have a super serious scene or don’t have totally rigid power dynamics or don’t do anything especially flashy? The only thing that really matters is that everyone has a good time (or has a bad time in the way they meant to ūüôā )

In kink, like in whisky, there are certainly snobs out there. Plenty of people will tell you that it’s wrong to put ice in your whisky or to make a cocktail with it. They can all fuck right off, it’s your whisky and your kink and you should do what you like with it. Some people will tell you that you need fancy glassware or whisky stones¬†to really enjoy whisky. I personally drink mine out of a plain old rocks glass. Glencairn glasses are pretty and all, but I enjoy my whisky more if I can stick my face right in the glass and breathe it in.

You’ll run into plenty of people in kink who think you’re not a real kinkster if you don’t have a bunch of expensive toys, as if those matter at all if you aren’t playing with the right person. Toys are fun and I recommend getting a good flogger if you like flogging and can afford one, but it’s not like you can’t have plenty of fun with a few dollars¬†worth of stuff from the dollar store and a little creativity. Plus, if you enjoy reactions it’s awesome to see the look on people’s faces when you pull something totally bizarre out of your toybag ūüôā

Just like in kink, there’s actually a huge variety in whisky. Heavily peated whiskies are very different from lighter, smoother whiskies that have been distilled more times are different from whiskies that have been aged in sherry casks¬†are different from whiskies that have been aged in port casks are different from whiskies that have been aged in newer barrels are different from whiskies that have been aged in older barrels and on and on.

If you don’t like heavily peated whisky, that doesn’t mean whisky just isn’t for you. There’s lots of other stuff you can try that might be more your style. Same with kink – not everybody wants a hardcore impact play scene, and if that’s not your thing there are only about a zillion other things you can try. You’re not any less a whisky drinker or a kinkster if you know what you like and stick with that.

Whisky, like kink, can be pretty intense. I’ve been drinking it for a while and cask strength whiskies still mostly taste like burning to me. It took me a while to learn to appreciate the differences between even normal strength (~40% alcohol) whiskies. If it takes you a while to get into it or to find the thing you like, that doesn’t mean you’re not a real whisky drinker. I know of one person who didn’t enjoy whisky until she tried pairing it with chocolate, which helped her make sense of what she was tasting.

If it takes you a while to get into kink, that doesn’t mean you’re not a real kinkster. If you only like some things, or only like them in certain combinations (for example, it’s really common to only like pain when you’re already turned on), all that means is that you¬†figured out what you like. Good on you for figuring that out, you can’t very well tell people what you want if you don’t know yourself.

Go forth and enjoy your kink and your whisky however you damn well want!

Of course you can be a good sub and have limits

Not so long ago I saw a discussion where the original poster asked if it was possible for him to have limits and still be a good sub. On one hand I can understand how someone would come to think that was a question he needed to ask but on the other hand HOW IS THIS A QUESTION?!!!

Having anything even vaguely resembling a¬†survival instinct is still in, I promise you. Aside from really obvious limits about serious¬†bodily harm,¬†what on earth is supposed to be attractive about not having the sense to know that not every kink is your kink? Or the profound self-absorption to think that no woman will ever be into kinks that you’re not?¬†For god’s sake knock that shit off.

Even leaving aside the blatant misogyny of assuming dominant women couldn’t possibly exist for any reason other than to service your boner and the willful and carefully maintained ignorance it takes to deliberately avoid finding out that kinks that turn you off exist, the idea that good s-types¬†never say no is deeply, deeply fucked up.

First of all, it’s damaging to the people we supposedly care for as dominants. Believing that a good sub never says no leads people to force themselves to tolerate things that are bad for them because they want so badly to be “good.” Now obviously that’s dumb and a dom who wouldn’t ¬†want to know about it if they were harming their sub is trash you should run from as fast as you can, but people don’t deserve to be harmed just for being naive and kind of dumb.

Second, it’s insulting as hell to d-types to assume we’re such fragile flowers we can’t ever handle being told no. I am a grownup and I¬†want to know if my idea is terrible or if I’m about to do something stupid. And yes, it’s possible to disagree respectfully. If you can’t understand the difference between telling me “Stabbity, I think that’s a bad idea because of x and y” and “That’s stupid, do it this way,” come back when you grow up. You’re not ready for kink if your communication skills are that bad.

Come to think of it, not understanding the difference between a respectful and disrespectful no may be a big part of why people get the idea that good s-types just don’t say no at all. If you don’t realise it’s possible to say no and still be respectful, of course you’d think it’s not okay for s-types to say no. Not recognising a respectful no or a soft no as a no could also screw up your ideas about whether it’s okay to say no.

If you’re not sure how to say no respectfully, I recommend looking at articles about how to say no to your boss. If you read a few of them, you’ll see a common theme of explaining why you can’t do the thing they want and asking how they want to handle it. The conversation part may be another reason s-types don’t feel like they should say no. If you think of “saying no” as a single, blunt “Nope, not gonna happen” instead of a conversation, of course that seems disrespectful.

If¬†there’s just one thing you take away from this post, take this: it is always okay to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad sub, it makes you a person who has the sense to look after their own well being.

Shoutout to everyone who has a tough time with mother’s day

Supposedly Mother’s Day is a wonderful happy day when loving families get together to celebrate the mothers in their families. It doesn’t pan out that way for all of us.

If your mother died and Mother’s Day is an agonizing reminder, I see you. If you are trying to become a mother but feel like a failure because your body isn’t cooperating, I see you. If god forbid your child died I see you. If you’re read as a woman but don’t identify as one and feel dysphoric or erased on Mother’s Day, I see you. If you’re a trans woman who wishes she could give birth one day, I see you. If you are a mother but don’t know where your child is or if they’re safe, I see you (and don’t judge you, it’s impossible to love a mental illness or addiction away). If you have a hard time with Mother’s Day for any reason, I see you.

Most of all, if your mother doesn’t love you, I see you. If ignorant jerks are appalled that you aren’t going to call or visit your mother, I see you. If you do visit and hate it, I see you. If self-centered assclowns won’t drop the fucking subject when you try to talk about something else, I see you. If you feel like an unlovable monster, I see you.

For me, the worst part of Mother’s Day is the assumption that all mothers love their children and that everyone is delighted to celebrate with their mothers. It’s technically not impossible that my mother loved me in the “I feel a feeling!” (that post is mostly about romantic love but the basic idea of “I feel a feeling!” love versus the real love of actions that make a person feel loved still applies) sense, but who really gives a shit when I spent my entire childhood wondering if this was the day she’d start hitting me too. That’s not love.

My life is better without that woman in it, but dates like her birthday and Mother’s Day still kinda suck for me. I’ve been estranged from her for a long time and I’m largely over it, but the Mother’s Day barrage makes me feel like everyone’s mother loves them except mine. The societal programming that says you have to do certain things on those days is also a real pain in the ass to root out even when you know that you can’t have contact with your mother¬†and be happy.

Try to take care of yourself. You have this random internet asshole’s official permission to hide in your home all day and not interact with the outside world if that helps (either the permission or the hiding). It’s okay to have a rough time, it’s okay to excuse yourself, it’s okay to change the subject, and it is definitely¬†okay to give people an extended icy glare and/or extremely blunt statement that you don’t want to talk about it if they decide to be prying assholes.

You are not alone. You are not weird. You are not broken¬†(heads up, that link includes a story from someone¬†whose mother loved her¬†before she died young). You are not unlovable. Your mother not loving you is not about you and never has been, it’s about her.

Finally, here’s how to not be an asshole to people who have a hard time with Mother’s Day for any reason:

  • Stop fucking assuming everyone loves Mother’s Day.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone has a mother. Sometimes people die tragically young.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone’s mother loved them.
  • Don’t directly ask what someone did for Mother’s Day unless you know they have a good relationship with their mother/kids. Just ask how their weekend was, they’ll tell you about what they did for Mother’s Day if they damn well feel like it.
  • If you do ask someone what they did for Mother’s Day and they change the subject, for fuck’s sake let it stay changed. Don’t be a pushy asshole.
  • If you find out someone is estranged from their mother, do not ask why unless you are very, very close. There is no happy answer to that question, you prying fuck.

If you have a mother who loves you and are looking forward to Mother’s Day, that’s great and I’m genuinely happy for you. Just don’t be an asshole to people who aren’t as lucky are you are. If you aren’t one of the lucky ones, I hope this post gives you something to hang on to – that’s why I’m publishing it early.

Moderation note: I had to turn on moderation for all comments because my spam filter has been having issues lately so comments may be slow to appear. This should go without saying, but if you decide to be an asshole in the comments for this of all posts, you will be permanently banned. Do not tell me or anyone else that their mother loved them when she clearly fucking didn’t.

You literally can’t include everyone

 

One of many, many things that irritates the shit out of me is when lazy assclown community leaders say that they don’t exclude anyone from their events. Yes you fucking do you¬†lying sacks of shit. What you actually mean is that you can’t be fucking bothered to kick out assholes so you stick your fingers in your ears and shout “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” whenever anyone tells you there’s a problem. And then you slap the bandaid of “inclusivity” on top of the open sewer you’re building and pretend that everything is fine.

When I say you can’t include everyone, I mean that in the most literal possible way. if you make assholes feel welcome, you’ve CHOSEN to make me unwelcome. You are saying that my safety and comfort does not matter. OWN WHAT YOU ARE DOING you lazy sacks of shit. It is okay to have an event where I’m not welcome. For example gay men’s events, queer spaces, trans spaces, submissive only spaces, people of colour only spaces, survivors of sexual assault only spaces, littles only spaces, swingers/casual sex spaces, etc, etc. It is okay to have an event that only for certain people! It’s sad as fuck to pretend that you can invite total assholes, and me, and assume that’s inclusive. It’s NOT. Why the fuck would I hang around with assholes and event organizer who don’t give a shit about me when I could be doing anything else?

By saying “we don’t exclude anyone!” what you’re saying is “we don’t care that people are sometimes complete fucking assholes who need a good excluding.” If you’re going to give me that message, grow some fucking balls and tell me to go fuck myself like a fucking grownup you pathetic fucking child. if you want to run a community you need to make tough choices sometimes. I’m not saying it’s fun or painless to exclude anyone. We’ve all been the weird kid who got picked last during gym class, we know how much it sucks to be excluded and we don’t want to do it to anyone else. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t fucking work. No matter what you do, someone will be excluded. Your choices are to deliberately exclude assholes or implicitly exclude people who don’t want to hang out with assholes, but there is literally no option whatsofuckingever where you can possibly include everyone.

Include assholes if you want to, but for fucks sake admit that’s what you’re doing. You’re not fucking kidding anyone anyway.

PS, if you’d like to read basically the same idea with fewer swearwords, check out¬†Ferret’s¬†Choose Carefully Who You‚Äôre Kind To.

Just hire a housekeeper

In the interests of fairness, after my ragey blog post last week, I want to talk about the perception that dominant women who are interested only in what they can get submissive men to do for them and treat play like an afterthought or a necessary evil.

If you don’t care about the guy or the dynamic at all and you just want your house clean, hire a fucking maid. Not that I really need to say that, because if housecleaning is all you’re looking for, kink is probably the worst way to get it. Seriously, you’d have better luck getting your house actually clean if you find a¬†broke college student willing to do it for sandwiches. There absolutely are service submissives out there who will actually show up and make themselves useful, but I’m pretty sure they’re massively outnumbered by ignorant and self-absorbed manchildren¬†who think “service” means “hand-washing her panties in a maid outfit while she verbally humiliates me.”

With that out of the way, I think what’s much more common is acting like submissive men are inherently undesirable and¬†are only tolerated because they’re sometimes useful. I’ve seen way too many¬†discussion threads about what submissive men should be able to offer a dominant woman that talk about pointless¬†bullshit like being able to do¬†a manicure or knowing how to properly shine boots or being able to cook a certain kind of meal.

That’s all incredibly stupid. A dominant woman looking for a partner is looking for a PARTNER, not hiring a fucking assistant. If you don’t like someone as a person, how could it possibly matter whether he gives the best manicures ever? Not to mention, it’s a lot easier to ask somebody to take a course to learn the thing you want them to do than it is to find someone you really like.¬†A d/s relationship is about personal connection, not being able to drop yard work¬†from your budget.

Acting like what skills a guy comes into a relationship with actually matters (beyond, you know, basic life skills) just makes it sound like¬†there’s nothing inherently likable about submissive guys and they have to bribe dominant women to put up with them using service.¬†Even if some guys really don’t have anything to offer besides doing chores, I think it’s totally counterproductive to let all submissive guys get the impression that that being submissive (which is actually awesome) is a terrible flaw that they have to make up for by making themselves useful.

Okay fine, it’s not terrible if a guy goes out and learns skills that might make a potential dom’s life easier. Self improvement = generally a good thing. The problem is that¬†assuming you know what a woman you haven’t even met yet wants is kind of stupid. You know how I keep leaning on the manicure example? I actually hate getting them. I did it once as an experiment, discovered I really hate the feeling of having my cuticles pushed back, and haven’t gotten another one. Picking the skills you want to learn off a list thought up by random strangers is kind of dehumanizing when you think about it. If you do that, you’re assuming women are enough of a hive mind that whatever skill you pick is something your eventual partner will actually want.

You know what actually would¬†be universally useful to any dom you ever get involved with? Self awareness! Communication skills! Knowing what you want and being able to describe it! Knowing what you don’t know! (never been spanked and don’t know if you like it? say so!)

And for the love of god, learn that women are people. Like Captain Awkward frequently recommends, read books by women, watch shows by women, listen to music by women, play games by women, etc, etc. No, I’m not going to tell you which ones. If you actually care, you will google it. If you read/watch/listen to enough stuff by women you may eventually come to understand that we are people who have needs, wants, dreams, hopes, and ambitions that have NOTHING to do with you.

If you don’t understand¬†that, nobody will fucking care if you’re the best housecleaner who ever lived.

The idea that submissive guys are the only ones who have to tempt a dom to be interested in them is also fucked up. They have just as much right to say no as any dom, and really ought to if the dom in question thinks being the dom doesn’t mean she has any responsibilities to her sub. Yes, subs have to hold up their end of the deal and I rant about that a lot, but that doesn’t mean doms don’t need to do their part either.

If you want to have a d/s relationship, you need to make your s feel appreciated. Why the hell should he stick around if you take him for granted? And honestly, why would you even bother having someone as a sub if you don’t like him enough to make sure his needs get met too? I mean, you do realize that identifying as submissive doesn’t mean submissive guys magically stop having needs, right?

If you just want your house cleaned, hire a fucking maid. If you want a submissive of your own, act like you want a submissive, not free maid service.